It is clear that I wasn't thinking clearly.

Why I didn't save myself at least *ONE* boyfriend to get me through the new year is not entirely clear to me right now.

*shoves cat off bed*

Proof that I rock at resolutions.

I just checked the Kazoofus archives to see if I might have posted any resolutions for 2005 and by golly I did. I'm happy to say I accomplished every one of them too.

A repost from 12/31/2004:
************************************

"Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine."
~Robert C. Gallagher

I just popped in for a visit with my buddy j-mo and noticed that she has posted her 2005 resolutions.

I am such a slacker, I hadn't even THOUGHT about my resolutions. So, in the spirit and tradition of this fine, fine holiday I bring to you Kathy Howe's 2005 Resolutions:

• Beer consumption will continue.
  
• I will do my darndest to keep being a complete and total wise-ass.
  
• I will not take up smoking.
  
• I will eat fruits and veggies when I feel like it.
  
• I will keep my feet firmly planted on the ground. Unless of course I happen to be in an airplane then they will be planted on the floor of a 747. But otherwise, totally grounded.

What are your 2005 resolutions?

************************************
Let's hope I do as well with my 2006 wish.

In the spirit of the holiday I'll pretend I don't wanna vomit.

Today I woke up at 4:30 a.m.

BING!

Wide awake.

No racing thoughts, no stress, no sickness, just awake. Wide.Freaking.Awake.

I laid there, cozy as could be under my pile of blankets for at least an hour before nodding back to sleep. I finally woke up at 9:30 this morning which is very late for me.

I woke up with a dull roar in my head.

I'm not one to take meds at the first sign of this or that so I don't usually have meds in the house. The last time I took something for a headache I ended up sicker than I was to start with and vomiting for about 24 hours. Turns out whatever I took had expired.

Like four years prior.

I've since stopped purchasing headache medicine.

I grew up in a house where the medical philosophy was "take a nap". Naps cured everything from chicken pox to broken bones to the boubonic plague in our house. If whatever was ailing you impaired your ability to nap you might be able to score something medicinal, but otherwise we slept off everything.

As a child I always felt like our medical philosophy went squarely against my mothers training and work in the medical field but I was young and just did whatever I was told.

Did so.

Headaches are rare for me, I bet I get one a year if that and when I do they aren't usually too bad. Today was no different.

After grazing on a bowl of sugar milk Lucky To Be Charming Cereal and exchanging emails with Marky Mark, I meandered in the direction of the shower thinking the hot steam might just cure my dull roar of a headache.

No such luck.

Like I said earlier though, headaches don't take me down so after my shower I decided to get busy with doing some serious work in my office. I dragged damn near everything out to the hallway and started rearranging furniture. I moved my desk closer to the window and scrubbed and vaccuumed every inch of the room. It has come to my attention that I need to shampoo the rug in this room but I'll get to that another day when I actually have the carpet shampooer in my possession.

(Private note to mom: Do you still have dad's carpet shampooer and is "shampooer" a word? Let me know. Thanks.)

Now to completely confuse you, my darling readers, I should backtrack and tell you about last night. Nothing in my disclaimer promises that my posts will be in any logical sequence whatsoever so lets rewind to yesterday shall we:

I was exhausted last night and did absolutely nothing but lay on my living room floor under a pile of blankets and watch TV after I got home. I felt fine, just completely worn out. I have no clue what I watched on TV last night. For the first 2 hours or so I was so tired I was in a zombie-like zone and have no clue what I watched.

Around 6:00 last night The Date called and I listened to him brag about tell me what he was cooking his kids for dinner while I sliced up my once frozen cheese pizza. Not too far into the conversation I got the honor of laughing out loud at him when his smoke detectors went off again.

Perhaps a good oven cleaning is in order, Mr. Date?

After a few phone conversations with him I decided to make tracks towards my bed to do some reading and journalling and by 10pm it was lights out.

That my friends, is the sexy good time that single mothers have on Friday nights when their children are elsewhere.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful boring as hell.

Now back to today.

After getting my office mostly put back together this afternoon my dull roar of a headache had migrated to my stomach and I was fairly certain Ralph was on his way. It was at that point that I decided to finally go take my nap.

I didn't fall asleep right away and never did look at a clock. If I had to guess I'd say I was down for about an hour when The Date called.

He likes to talk on the phone can ya tell?

He decided to phone and torture me with let me know what he and his kids are having for dinner tonight. I listened intently while I made tracks towards my own kitchen. By the time he got into describing their dessert I was stirring my microwaveable mashed potatos so I could return them to the microwave for their final 60 seconds on "HIGH".

Yum.
Not.

The nap took care of Ralph and I haven't seen any sign of the party in my head that was there earlier. When I was 21 I would have took this miraculous healing to mean that it is time to go out and rip up the town until 4am but now that I'm 22 *coughs*shutup*coughs* I think I'll do the responsible thing tonight and fold laundry while ringing in the New Year.

What does your New Years weekend look like?

My New Years wish for all of you:

Here is wishing you ridiculous amounts of joy, frequent outbursts of laughter and unexplainable greatness in all areas of your life during 2006!

Peace and love to all of you! Thank you for making 2005 my best year yet!

Ivory Soap Wisdom

This was written on the packaging for my bar of Ivory soap:

"Complicating life is easy. The genius is in the simple things."

A-friggen-men.

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's my ex-boyfriend club!

I always thought that breaking up with someone was supposed to be some disasterous event that would leave me in pieces for a very long time. I figured the experience would be so traumatic that the idea of talking to or god forbid SEEING the other person would be shattering.

I am so glad I was wrong about that.

Everyone knows that I was very sad about my break up with TLMS and it didn't get easier with Mr. Incredible or The Date.

It's not that the actual act of ending relationships was easy for me - that is not what I mean. What I mean is that the after effect has not been what I expected. Instead of depressing it has been supportive, loving, friendly and uplifting.

I still talk to TLMS every week via email and sometimes via text messaging. That man cracks my ass up regularly. He's a treasure and I will even be so bold as to say that without a doubt he is the best thing that happened to me in 2005. If our relationship had gone differently - if it had ended poorly - I would have shut down the Love Department indefinitely.

Thanks to him, I know I don't really want to do that.

Mr. Incredible hasn't really gone anywhere either. He is sad that I feel the need to back off from our relationship and evaluate my long-term goals in the area of commitment, but in his sadness he still supports what I am doing. He tells me regularly that no matter what, I am and always will be loved.

That doesn't suck at all.

One of the first emails I received yesterday was from The Date. He decided to send me a message letting me know that I rock his world. That was an unexpected but very welcome message to read. Last night he phoned me to chat about some other stuff that is happening in my world and by the end of it I was laughing out loud which was a nice turn of events. My original thought was to burst out crying. He understands my thoughts and fears on dating with kids and has let me know that he isn't going anywhere. I'm free to do whatever I need to do so long as I follow his one and only instruction:

"follow your heart"

In my life there are moments of boredom, sadness, uncertainty, fear and doubt but thanks to wonderful people in my life, I have many more moments of undeniable joy, overflowing love and infinite happiness. All of the goodness in my life makes that other crap easy to forget.

There are angels everywhere, kids.

Do you know what yours look like?

Not so secret Santa

This week the kids gave their daycare lady the holiday gift that we picked up for her.

Sissy Bear handed it to her noting outloud that it was from the kids.

Boo walked up to the daycare lady and said as discreetly as he could, "It might be from us kids but you know who REALLY bought it don't you?"

Easy as pie.

Once I got The Date to stop laughing hysterically I managed to secure some expert knowledge from him on how this "auto-clean" feature works on the oven.

So far no fires.

I'll keep ya posted...

Wake up and feel the love

Natalie has a post that melted my heart. Specifically, the letter she found.

Universe, if you don't think I'm paying attention to you, you have another thing coming.

Dream Analyzers - START YOUR ENGINES!

I am having reoccuring dreams about things falling across my driveway.

In the first dream a tree took down some power lines and all of it blocked my driveway. In literally a matter of MINUTES it was cleaned up by neighbors. I went to my garage to get my handy dandy handsaw and by the time I got back they were finishing up.

In last nights dream the power lines were HUGE. Very thick. Almost cartoon-like in their exaggerated size. These were not your average power lines. They came down from an unusually big pole and there was a large slice of wood from the pole still attached. I went into my house, called the power company and by the time I got off the phone and went back outside the power company truck was done fixing it up and driving away.

Thoughts?

It's my job to direct you elsewhere

I'm sure most of you are well aware of this but I thought I would make an announcement that there is a second KathyHowe blog. I was just browsing the archives and can't believe that site has been around for over two years now. Wow, time sure flies.

Which reminds me - Kazoofus here turned four years old on December 1st. Happy Birthday, baby.

Anyhoo, I really do suck ass at writing anything of great length on my other blog but am pretty good at keeping it current with quotes that I find.

Check it out if you feel inspired to do so.

Or if you are totally bored at the office today.

Kathzoofus: Inspiration for the masses

Must love dogs a screaming five year old that is way.too.tired.

Who would like a five year old that has been over-stimulated for two days straight and is now having a complete and total meltdown in his bedroom?

Show of hands...

Ho.

I'm too darn tired to get three hearty ho's out in a row.

I think there must be many children in the world without presents this year because I'm fairly certain my family bought them all and gave them to Boo and Sissy Bear. The amount of stuff under our tree is rather obnoxious and I couldn't even get all of it home in the Durango last night because it wouldn't fit. Hard to believe that there will be more presents being opened today at Grandma's house.

Who knows how to put together a basketball hoop?

I ate for about 12 hours straight yesterday. Chips, dip, meatballs, chili, truffles, bread, spinach dip, cookies on and on and on. If I see another meat/cheese tray I might just vomit.

Tis the season to graze for many days in a row.

Santa brought slinkies - that bastard. He must have forgotten that Boo Bear is also known around here as Head Trauma Boy. I'm just waiting for him to go head first down the stairs after a stray slinky.

All I want for Christmas is an Emergency Room-free day.

Well it's time to get in the shower and get ready for another round of gifts. I hope all of you are as worn out as I am from good food, family and friends.

Happy Holidays!!!!!

OMG!

Pumpkin spice lattes - where have you BEEN all my life!?!?!?

*yum*

Good christ alive isn't it the 26th yet?!?!?!?!

Is it just me or is 8:30 a.m. a smidge too early for the Trans Siberian Orchestra light show?

Where's my coffee?

And my ear plugs?

Apparently the word of the week is "DANCE"

Earlier this week I had a really great email exchange with TLMS (say hello to everyone TLMS). In one of his emails he sent me some lyrics to the song Dance by the Kurt Jorgensen Band:

If it feels this good....just take it.
We can't go back, but we can borrow
On the good things to come tomorrow

When you're in love you shine so bright
Here's to ya
It'll do ya
It's a long long night
Take a chance
Dance!Dance! Dance!

Wednesday night when I was at the Solstice celebration with Keri she sent me on my way with truffles and a gift bag. When I got home I found tucked inside the bag some bath confetti and a candle holder with the word "DANCE" across it.

The universe is coming in loud and clear this week.

Have you ever had a period of time, whether it was a day or a week or a month or a year where things kept reoccuring for you? Where the universe unexplainably puts the same thing in front of you over and over again?

Cryptic my ass

Ok...maybe a little cryptic.

Jen asked me rather flatly what is with all the rather cryptic posts lately and really it comes down to this:

I am not ready for a long term, committed relationship.

The dating hiatus is back on and will stay it in effect until I decide that I do in fact want a committed, long term relationship.

Dating recreationally is not my style. If/when I return to the dating world it will be when I am 100% sure that I am willing and ready to fully integrate my life with someone.

To do anything else would be exceptionally irresponsible.

hrmpf.

I'm in one of those moods where I think I could talk myself out of keeping a winning lottery ticket just because I'd decide that my life is just fine the way it is and keeping that kind of money comes with risks donchyaknow.

hrmpf.

An addendum to my Santa letter

Dear Santa,

I have always hoped that with time I would continue to evolve as a person. Continue to improve myself, be a good role model and find new ways to overcome old hurdles. Last night I realized that when it comes to love I am no closer to being ready for a relationship than I was 3 years ago when I began my dating hiatus.

In February 2003 I wrote on Kazoofus that I am too chicken to be loved. That apparently remains true.

In the mix of all of my recent chicken shit moments and my feelings of being overwhelmed I managed to hurt the heart of someone that is important to me. Someone that, well, in a nutshell, just wanted to love me.

And I was too afraid to let him.

After a lot of thought and consideration I have come to the conclusion that I am not prepared for One True Love in the new year.

Hurting people that are important to me is not the kind of person I want to be so with that I would like to modify my earlier letter to you.

For the new year, what I really would like (in addition to all the answers to the universe of love) is the kahunas to actually go for true love once it does arrive because being a big clucking chicken is no way to live.

Well.

Unless of course you are an actual chicken.

Many thanks,
Kathy Howe

Stuck in my head: Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone by Al Green.

Dear Santa,

I know I have been remiss in writing lately but I wanted to take a minute to drop you a line. Oh, back off...so it's been like 28 years since my last post. I don't write to my grandma like I used to anymore either and I don't hear her complaining.

Anyhoo.

The reason I'm writing is because I'm not sure who else to really send this to. This doesn't seem like an appropriate note to send to the big dog upstairs but I might fly it past him a bit later on just for good measure.

Today is Yule Eve and the kids and I have a lot of festivities planned for this evening that I am very excited about. Feel free to browse about Kazoofus to read more on that subject.

The real reason I'm writing though is because tomorrow is Yule - the Winter Solstice - the real deal and when Keri invited me to join her and Mystical Marge in Stillwater for a semi-traditional Solstice celebration I could hardly say no. I was very excited to hear that we would be banishing our old unwanted baggage from our past into the burning fire.

I was equally excited to find out that we would be making new year wishes for the solstice as well.

I put zero thought into what these two things would be for me. I knew in an instant that I will be giving up my stockpiles of negativity and my wish for the new year was simply stated:

One True Love.

But I've been thinking about my wish for the new year and I feel kind of strange about it. I'm dating someone now and while not exclusively I'm also not out playing the field. At this early stage of a new relationship shouldn't I think he is my one true love? Shouldn't I be so ga-ga with dreamy visions of some perfect life together that I think that no doubt he and I will be together forever and ever amen?

Well.

I don't.

And that doesn't seem right to me.

I do have to confess that when I returned to the dating world I expected to be practically begging for dates and well it didn't work out that way did it? I have felt a lot of stress and pressure from the demands of being in demand and I don't think I will shock anyone when I say I have not enjoyed the spotlight.

Now that isn't to say that I haven't enjoyed myself because I very much have and I have met some really awesome guys in the process (take a bow TLMS). But part of me feels I dunno, maybe burnt out by all of this and maybe a bit unfullfilled.

I didn't want to become the most popular girl in school when I returned to dating and I certainly wasn't looking for a trip down the aisle.

I wanted to find someone fun to hang out with, someone that I could connect with and enjoy now and hopefully in the future as well.

Something just isn't right with my love life, Santa and I am really having a hard time putting my finger on it. I have been wondering if I might need to return to my dating hiatus full-time but part of me still longs to find that one true love.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I actually found it and lost it.

Maybe for the new year, instead of bringing me one true love you could bring me some answers to questions like:

What is true love?

What does it feel like?

How do you really know when you have it?

Is it the way someone touches you?

Is it in their kiss?

Is it in the quiet moments of togetherness that you realize you've found it?

So you see Santa, I have a lot of questions and I'm hoping that you and the Missus can round up those elves of yours and stuff my stocking with some information.

Many thanks for your time and attention to this matter.

Have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Yule and one helluva New Year.

Your friend,
Kathy Howe

This ain't the Nyquil talkin' either.

I hate Nextel phones with every fiber of my being but I just saw the damn funniest commercial for them on TV.

*Oooo baby, baby. Oh baby, baby...*

It's the best thing I've seen on TV all night.

**Updated: Guess what I'll be watching all day today.**

Falls over laughing.

I can't believe I forgot the MISTLETOE!

Last year I searched far and wide for mistletoe for our Yule celebration and alas I came up with nothing.

I FOUND MISTLETOE THIS WEEKEND!!

We are going to incorporate Mistletoe into our Yule celebration this year.

Mistletoe is believed to banish evil and since it is not safe to keep around pets or kids we are going to burn our mistletoe so that its smoke can surround our house with protection.

Traditionally, mistletoe is kept from one Yule to the next (hung over a doorway) but since mistletoe is poisonous I'm opting to not keep it around for a year.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled whatever.

Another update:

Someone brought in a fog machine.

Don't we have a fire code to adhere to?

I need a flashlight Palm Treo

Update to the contest:

Someone just shut out all the lights on this floor.

I work with the Griswald's.

Save me, Santa.

The people in my office are not only into the holiday spirit but apparently quite competitive about it too.

There is a holiday decorating contest going on today. Here is what it looks like from my desk.

Someone has Trans Siberian Orchestra playing.

In surround sound.

I'll run around and snap more pictures if I can later on today. I'm trying to lay low right now...avoiding the eggnog and fruitcake donchyaknow.

Yule love this holiday or my name isn't Kathy Howe.

Isn't that just the catchiest title ever?

Jen asked me in an earlier post:

"When is Yule? And how will you celebrate?"

For those of you that don't know Yule is the Winter Solstice which means it is the darkest day or, the day when there is the least amount of sunlight. This year it falls on Wednesday, December 21st and I will be ringing it in officially with Keri and her friend Marge in the ever lovely town of Stillwater.

There are several definitions of Yule here if you'd like to read more on the topic outside of my ramblings.

For me, Yule is the new year, it is when the days start getting longer again - a rebirth of the sun if you will. The kids and I celebrate Yule Eve - the night before Yule. Yule officially comes at about 10:30 am on the 21st.We celebrate the solstice by finding ways to honor and remember things like:

1. Earlier in the year (autumn) we watched flowers die, grass turn brown and leaves fall from trees. Despite all the "death" that we witnessed there is still much life around us. We bring in a pine tree to recognize that not everything dies or hibernates for the season. The pine tree is unchanged by the coldness and darkness. We will also spend time this week looking for animal tracks in the snow to remind us that there is still a lot of life around us. For Yule we will clip pieces of the pine tree to decorate our Yule log with.

2. With all the darkness during this season we celebrate light and the rebirth of the sun. We do that by decorating our pine tree with lights, lighting candles and having fires in the fireplace. On Yule this year we will decorate and burn our very first Yule log, light our house with candles and tree lights. The kids are also planning to do a sun art project for Yule.

3. In my family we also celebrate diversity during this season. Our tree is always decorated with a lot of colorful balls, ornaments and lights - the different colors that are on our tree represent diversity in people, beliefs, traditions, etc. We talk about all the different ways that people celebrate during this time of year - hannukah, kwanza, christmas, yule. We talk about the fact that there is no right or wrong way to celebrate the season and we talk about the different traditions and celebrations that are going on all around us. We also talk about the right to not celebrate. What people do with their time during this season is a personal choice and we always respect different choices people make for themselves.

4. For Yule this year the kids have suggested a few things. Sissy Bear suggested that we eat fruit for snacks and with our Yule dinner because those are things that come from the earth and we should always respect and be thankful for the earth.

5. Boo suggested that we bake a cake for Yule to celebrate the rebirth of the sun and the birthday of Jesus. After combing the pantry for a cake mix (which I was sure I didn't have since I've never baked a cake) I found apple muffin mix and they decided they would rather do that because it ties to the fruit suggestion that Sissy Bear made. So Jesus and the Sun are getting birthday muffins complete with birthday candles for Yule this year.

6. Since Yule is like a new beginning we will also write or draw on a green piece of paper something that we want more of in our lives or in the world around us. On a red slip of paper we will write something down that we want to get rid of or keep away from our lives or the world. Once we have our things written or drawn out we will toss them into the fire with the Yule log and send their smoke out into the universe like wishes for our new year.

7. Last but not least we will talk about what it means when they hear that this is the season of giving. My definition probably varies from the definition of others. For me, it isn't about giving people unnecessary things that they can buy on their own. The season is about giving gifts from the heart and it is also about remembering and giving to those that are in need. Last year we adopted a family of 10 for the holidays...or was it 12...I can't remember. This year we are going to make a cash donation to a dining site that feeds hungry families. Did you know a donation of $100 can feed 42 people? That is astounding to me. We are going to give 42 people something to eat for the holidays.

And that is what Yule means in my house.

The next Jen question on my radar is "How do you feel about Christmas". I'll try and answer that later today.

Dear Mother Nature,

Please bring warmer temperatures so Monkey the cat will go outside to do his duty.

I reeeeeeaaaaaaallllllly dislike having to deal with the litter box.

Air kisses,
KathyHowe

It's true, Mark - no candle

My night of bliss was so great. I really needed that. When I was done pouring through my books I laid down in front of the fireplace to do a little fire-gazing.

Fire-gazing is apparently a sleep-aid.

Who knew?

I woke up several hours later & crawled up to bed. I slept until 8:30 which is late for me. I've been fighting a cold all week & today will be no different.

I think a long hot steamy shower is on the agenda today.

I read up on Yule last night - the Pagan traditions, rituals & beliefs around the holiday. It is all stuff I've read before but it served as a great reminder of why we do the things we do during this season. Why bring in a pine tree? What is with all the twinkling lights? Why is mistletoe symbolic? I dog-earred a few pages to share with the kids on the night before Yule which is when we are having our family celebration. I also need to get a book on Hannukah for Boo Bear. He's been learning about it in school & is very interested in understanding the menorah.

How did you spend your Saturday night?

Bliss defined

I'm sitting next to the warm & glowing fireplace, the holiday tree is lit with a rainbow of lights, a dim lamp lights the room enough for reading.

In my lap & around me are my favorite pillows & throw blankets, a bowl of popcorn, a cold soda & a stack of books on Paganism & Native American traditions.

I can hear the fire crackling beside me & Vivaldi is playing on the stereo across the room.

Bliss.

Who you calling Grinchy?

I eluded to this in a previous post and long-time readers know that I, KathyHowe, for a very long list of reasons, have not been a fan of the Christmas season for a great many years.

I'm not going to go into the details about what I hate about this holiday season...been there done that...suffice it to say the list for the most part remains intact but I thought I should make an announcement:

For some reason this year, I don't hate it to the degree that I used to.

And what happened then...?
Well...in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch's small heart
Grew three sizes that day

My mom and I were on the phone the other day, talking about the challenges I experienced in putting up my very first living holiday tree. I told her very honestly that if I had had this experience last year I would have dragged the tree out to the front yard, soaked it in gasoline and set the sonofabitch on fire.

I'm so not kidding.

But this year...unexplainably...I don't have the deep hate and anger for the season like I used to. There are still materialistic, greedy, cashmere sweater whoring shoppers that I want to bitch slap but overall, I'm cool with the holiday this year and for the life of me I can't explain why.

So there you have it - a reformed ChristmasKathyHowe.

How are you feeling about the holidays this year?

An open letter to my Unc

Before I officially start this letter I need to clarify something.

I have more than one uncle but I have only one Unc. This site is widely read by people in my real life. I don't actually keep track of nor do I generally care who reads this but I want to be clear that I am addressing this letter to the only uncle that I have ever called Unc. If you cannot remember whether or not I ever called you Unc here is additional clarification around who this letter is addressed to:

1. If you or anyone on "that" side of the family (dead or alive *waves to grandma little*) has ever unsuccessfully sued me: this letter is not for you.

2. If you or anyone on "that" side of the family is attempting to sue my father: this letter is not for you.

3. If any of your children have ever phoned my sister, a now retired police officer, for advice on how to get out of a ticket: this letter is not for you.

4. If this website is dedicated to your father: look alive. This letter is for you.

On with the show...

Dear Unc,

I am writing this letter on behalf of me, myself and I but I am willing to bet the rest of the family here in Minnesota will agree with what I am about to say.

I'm not entirely sure what happened, if anything, to prompt you and your family (Aunt and Cuz) to stop spending holidays in Minnesota but I think you should know that I sure do miss having you around.

I can't even remember the last time I saw you. It has been years and I have lost track of exactly how many. That, to me, is too long.

The last time I saw you I was taller than you but I'm older now and shrinking with age and I bet there is a good chance that we are closer in height now. I was thinking that if I could convince you to come to Minnesota for a visit maybe you could make fun of how short I have gotten. If you bring some decent beer you might be able to bribe me to slouch just to give you a bit of an advantage.

I'm divorced now. Not sure if you know that but the ex and I seperated several years ago. Do you know how many great old maid jokes you could be making around the holiday tree at my mom's this year? You are missing out on a whole new area of teasing.

I celebrated the big 3-0 yaknow. Well, like 5 years ago. I remember when you turned 30 and I was certain we'd have to put you in a nursing home because you were so old. I also remember deciding that if you were 30, you were too old for your collection Billy Joel cassette tapes and I promptly tried to take your collection off your hands. You disagreed and kept the collection which then prompted me to think you were getting a bit crotchety with age.

What ever happened to those tapes, by the way?

I took a break from writing this and just went and checked my now offline Kazoofus archives. Do you remember when you sent me this email below? It was August of 2002. I think that was the last time I saw you:

From: Unc
Subject: Ohhh, she ripped and tore
To: mailbagsubmissions@kazoofus.com

By the way, niece, I enjoyed seeing you and your family Sunday, although the time was far too short. Your kids are great. Are you sure they're yours? (Kidding)
Since I didn't get a chance to tell you this in person, I'll do it again here. I enjoy this Web site very much. I now check in regularly. You have to respect a 30-year old woman who quotes lyrics from the Bobby Fuller Four, a band popular at just about the same time man invented fire.

In my previous post, I also neglected to tell you what a worthy honor this site is for my dad/your grandfather. It's amazing that you remember the waitress at Toby's. I barely recall anything about her, just dim images of brown hair and glasses. I do remember spending the better part of puberty waiting for dad to a) stop flirting with her; and b) finish eating his goddam food.

By the way, spread the word that you are related to newly crowned slowest eater in America. I have inherited the title vacated by MMS. By the time I finish a steak these days, it has calves.

I'm outta here

I once did the math and figured out that we are only about 17 years apart. I remember thinking it was cool to have such a young uncle but I bet you thought it was a pain in the kazoofus to have nieces that followed you everywhere and had to be dragged out of your big blue car at ballgames.

What ever happened to your buddy Beamis? Just curious.

For the record I totally forgive you for breaking my water toy when I was a child. I was a little disappointed that you waited until my high school graduation to replace it but you are forgiven regardless. Every time I see a water gun shaped like a hot dog I think of you.

I know that in 1987 I swore I would never in my life return to that godawful state you live in but I'm older now, and wiser, and well, I still think it is a godawful state but you might be able to convince me to make a roadtrip that way if you promise me that there is a liquor store in town.

The other day, out of nowhere a thought hit me like a ton of bricks: my kids don't know who you are.

That makes me sad because I personally can't imagine not knowing you. You were the best uncle ever and I'm not just saying that because you never sued me - you really were cool to grow up with and despite breaking my FAVORITE water toy as a child, you were still my favorite uncle and I would bet my kids would think pretty damn highly of you too.

How's that for a run-on sentence?

You are one of the few connections I have to Grandpa and I know you have stories in your head that I have never heard and possibly a few that I have forgotten. If the family spent holidays together again we could share those stories and maybe make up a few new ones just for shits and giggles.

Mom told me that after grandpa died you wrote something in his honor. I would love to see it - I've heard it is amazing.

Anyways, I'm just going on and on here and I could probably keep doing that for a very long time - rambling aimlessly is the Sullivan way after all.

I hope you are well and I hope wherever you and your family spend the holidays it is bright and joyful and loaded with love.

The rest of us knuckleheads will be thinking of you this year.

Peace and love,
Niece

My week in list form, yo.

1. I was saddened by the news that my Massage God is no longer working for the salon I go to. Turns out he finished up that damn culinary degree and got a job as a chef somewhere. *stoopid hungry people*.

2. Last night I gifted myself two new sweaters. I like the idea of starting the giving season with a little something for myself.

3. This week The Date said to me in his very serious voice that he is very disappointed in me. My mind raced with thoughts of "Holy shit! I'm busted!" but I couldn't think of what I in the hell I was busted for so I responded that I was innocent until fed a homecooked meal then I'd consider a plea bargain. He noted that he was paying his bills and was disappointed that I didn't sneak my Durango payment into his pile. I told him that if he's paying for Durango's he can do better than a '98 with 200,000 plus miles on it. I'll give up the meal and take what's behind garage door #1 thankyouverymuch.

4. I bought some cool-ass black leather shoes from Bass a few weeks ago and tromping through the snow storm the other day totally ruined them. They have huge water stains on them now. I am so bummed.

5. It's been snowing here for forty days and forty nights since like Wednesday. The hell with pumping my gas, who wants to shovel my roof?

6. Today I learned something new about myself: At 8 o'clock in the morning I think buttered popcorn smells like ass.

7. Today while sitting in a meeting I realized that one of the guys I work with wears the same cologne as Mr. Incredible. How do you spell "distracted"?

8. I watched The Apprentice for the first time last night. This is probably a very uncool thing to say but I've never claimed to be cool so here it goes: I like Donald Trump and if I had to list 3 celebrities I'd want to meet in my life he'd be on the list.

9. Yesterday a drunk guy called my desk 4 times looking for *slurs-a-name*. Why can't MY happy hours start at noon?

10. I've been invited to a Winter Solstice celebration by the delightful Mz. Keri. *squeels* I can't wait!!

Tell me about your week.

Say it isn't so.

The full service station in my town is closed.

NOW who's gonna pump my gas!?!?!?

*sobs*

I'd keep doing it if it could earn me a new Durango.

Earlier this week, or was it last (it all blurs), The Date and I had a conversation on forgiveness which lead us to a discussion about how people stockpile things emotionally. I think he was a bit surprised when I plead guilty to stockpiling.

There are certain people on this earth that on the most basic level can do no right with me. It is true that they have proven to me time and time again what total and complete fucking Gilligans they are, but no matter what they do at this point, they are 99.9% of the time wrong in the KathyHowe Book of Righteousness.

These are people that have gotten so under my skin they can't even grocery shop without me being tempted to criticize them.

Beyond my basic level of loathing for these people I have a second level of loathing which is reserved for when they actually do something wrong. It doesn't even matter if their misstep has anything to do with me or not, I am quick to add their newest fuck-up to a stockpile of previous "offenses".

I stockpile this shit as though I can some how cash in on it.

5,000 more missteps and I get a new toaster! WOOHOO!

Seeing these people fuck up is like confirmation...validation...EVIDENCE that I am right and they are total losers.

My stockpile also acts like my permission slip to treat these people terribly. I mean comon...look at this long ass list of crap they have done wrong. I'm entitled to treat them like garbage right?

The Date and I talked about this at great length and it has crossed my mind a few times since. In that conversation I learned some things about myself that I never really thought about before and in all honesty, I'm not all that proud of.

He double dog dared me to let go of my stockpiles and next week at Yule I'm planning to do just that.

Do you stockpile emotions?

All or nothing, baby.

My daughter and her friends are into interviewing eachother these days. Last night while at dinner Sissy Bear showed me the results of her being interviewed.

She had to respond with 0 for no and a 1 for yes to the question of whether or not she had any of the following:

Mom = 1
Dad = 1
Brother = 1
Sister = 0
Farm animals = 0
Cousins = 1
Pets = 1
Grandparents = 1
Great Grandparents = 1
Your own bedroom = 1
Journals = 1
Step-mom = 0
Step-dad = 1/2

I got a little hung up on that half point.

"Sissy Bear," I inquired, "what is the half point for?"

She answered that while she doesn't have a step-dad now she thinks that someday she will have one so she gave her future projection a half a point.

I asked her if she wants a step-dad and she said yes and without a second of hesitation added, "Just make sure you get me one that can cook!"

Tag I'm it again.

Jen tagged me for this one.

My Favorite Things:

Not all-inclusive and in no particular order thankyouverymuch.

1. 4 wheel drive. It makes getting up my runway driveway soooooo much easier.

2. Snapshots of the kids.

3. Amber waves of grain rings.

4. Mocha's and latte's.

5. Wrinkle-free dress pants.

6. My boyfriend Palm Treo.

7. The man I'm currently dating, affectionately known here as The Date.

8. The word Kazoofus. Try to look surprised.

9. Sweet Grass Cove

10. Laptop computers. I was gonna just say "laptops" but I know some pervo would twist it to something x-rated.

11. Laptops. heh.

12. My children's school. It's incredible.

13. The color red.

14. Hanging out at bookstores.

15. Windshield wiper fluid. Seriously, how hellish would life be without it?

Your turn...

A blackout in a whiteout.

Power was restored to the Howe house earlier today. From what I've heard the north side of the lake lost power for just over 2 hours. The lack of natural lighting and running water at 6 a.m. put our morning routine a bit behind schedule but the upside is that by the time I hit the road the morning idiots were already in the ditch and out of my way.

Before 6 a.m. I had talked to 3 people - the daycare lady, my sister and my brother-in-law. The daycare lady was also without power so we were trying to figure out if school was cancelled, my sister was awake because she is too pregnant to sleep anymore and she called because she heard that I had called her husband about what I would need to do to protect my pipes from freezing if the power didn't come back on quickly.

Luckily, the house temp never dipped below 65 degrees so we were only inconvenienced with non-running water and darkness.

Which reminds me...some wiseass that I am dating recently made fun of my cell phone comparing the it's lovely full-color display to a beacon. He seems to think the display is a bit bright. I'll have to let him know that my cell phone not only allowed me to blog *coughs* shutup *coughs* it also served as a nice flashlight so I could find my way downstairs to find a REAL flashlight.

My Palm Treo has more functionality than I realized.

Rumor has it the snow is supposed to continue until Saturday. I see more snow parties in our future.

In other news: being up since 4:30am has given me a fever. I had to*coughs* leave the office early.

What's the weather like in your neighborhood?

I don't have any weird habits, nope, not me.

Pipe down you there in the back.

Michelle tagged me for this.

The Weird Habits Meme:

Rules: "The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits of yourself," and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says "You are tagged" (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours."

*Note: I'm not tagging anyone cuz I'm a rebel, yo. Play along if you desire to do so.

1. I have six or seven pillows on my bed and I make full use of every one of them.

2. I drive with the drivers seat as far back as it can go because I have a fear of being beheaded by the airbag. Luckily I have long enough legs to pull this off without nailing stilts to the pedals.

3. I enjoy cleaning my garage over any other space in my house and I think it is because I can see the most progress there.

4. When I cook, I like to...uhhh..oh wait I don't cook. No weird habits there.

4. I fold my daughters socks differently than I fold my sons socks. This makes identifying them easier after I spin them around in the dryer to warm their clothes up on cold winter mornings.

5. I like towels folded a certain way. Just ask The Date, he'll vouch for this one. The last time I was at his house I was called into the bathroom and instructed to stop it.

Play along...

*yawn*

That last post title shoulda said "via".

I don't proofread at 5 A.M.

Posting vis wireless technology

We're in the midst of a major winter snowstorm & I just woke up to no electricity.

This can't be good.

Question of the day:

Why can't healthy stuff taste like chocolate?

*green tea...blech phooey*

To the tune of "Let it Snow"

"Let him die, let him die, let him diiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee..."

How convenient that he turned his life around while on death row.

Stanley Tookie Williams not only took lives but encouraged others to do the same. He promoted death and violence in ways I cannot even begin to comprehend.

His death is justice not only for the people he killed but for all the innocent lives that have been impacted by gang violence.

How many times have you heard in the news that a child was struck but a stray gang bullet? If you've heard it once you've heard it too much.

Time to meet your maker Mr. Williams. Good luck.

History Lesson: The End

I've written so much about The Date this past weekend even I'm sick of reading it. I don't know how you all can stand all the lovey-dovey (thanks kernyen) crap.

Today I asked myself, "Self, what do you think The Date would have to say about all these rambling posts about our history?"

I answered without pause, "Oh that's easy. He'd say something like 'You've been swallowing the mouthwash again haven't you, dear?'."

He's sassy like that.

You officially know all I care to tell for now about my history with The Date. As things progress I suppose I'll share bits and pieces of how we move forward into the future. Don't expect a lot of big revelations though. In my open letter to him that I posted last week I noted that if he and I were to have a relationship it would take a long time to evolve. I really don't think that has changed. We do not live near one another and our schedules with our kids are not the same. For us to see eachother requires quite a bit of effort on both of our parts. It isn't as simple as getting a sitter for a few hours. It's pack a bag and get ready for a road trip and good luck finding a sitter to spend part of the weekend with the kids and pets.

Not to mention stopping to rotate the tires and check the oil along the way. ;)

In other news...

I am happy to report that the holiday tree stayed upright all by itself today.

Such a good tree.

Next year I've decided I'm bribing TLMS to do it. He commented to me over the weekend that he can get it up in just a few minutes with a little bit of help.

Smartypants.

For those of you that are placing bets on when I might be able to turn my head again I'm sorry to say that I am still unable to look left or right. Oh who am I kidding, looking up and down sucks too and the idea of lifting anything heavier than a slice of bread, well forget that. All of this yeouch and ouch makes merging into traffic less enjoyable than usual if you can believe that.

I might need a trip to my Massage God soon.

I survived the weekend but only because Monday showed up to bail me out of soggy snowpants and cracked sleds. I'd still be scrubbing hot cocoa off my dining room table if I didn't have to go to work and relax today.

Aren't Monday's just the best?

Howe convenient.

It's really working to my advantage to have a chair at the office that twirls around in circles seeing as how I still can't really turn my head.

*stoopid tree*

*grumbles*

The next time I spend that many hours on my back there had better be a man in the house.

After much time under the holiday tree I managed to get the tree upright *again* and as a bonus I taught my 5 year old how to say "what the hell".

My work here is done.

History Lesson: Part III

Him

The Date has alway been very focused on his kids and fully understood my attentiveness to my own. When others doubted my dating hiatus and claimed that I was neglecting my own needs, he fully understood that I was not neglecting anything. Quite the opposite really.

Not long after getting to know him I recognized that he was someone worthy of looking up to. If I had to name the people that have, whether intentionally or not, mentored me in my life, The Date would most definitely be on that list.

After lunch with Denise this past weekend I was thinking over my conversation with her regarding The Date. I asked myself what is it that attracts me to him.

Truly, there are many, many things about him that I find attractive but if I could only say one thing I would say that he brings me balance.

It seems that whatever it is that I need, he plugs in perfectly to meet it.

Where I have weaknesses he has strength, when I thirst for insight and perspective he offers his, when I need to talk through things he listens to what I have to say and when my Leo self needs to take center stage he bravos all my best and worst jokes. He makes both a worthy playmate and enthusiastic audience. In our friendship I have always felt like in our companionship we maintained our individuality.

If that makes any sense at all.

He is personally, professionally, emotionally and spiritually together. He is successful in more ways than money can buy. In so many ways I have used him as my role model. What kind of person do I want to be? He has so many of the traits that I hope to improve on myself.

He knows all my strengths and weaknesses and returns my calls and emails despite them all.

We share many of the same life philosophies:

Life is short.
No regrets.
Optimism makes the world go round.
Keep an attitude of gratitude.

Our priorities are the same: kids first, everything else second. They are the most important job we have. If we fail with them nothing else we do matters.

There is something magical about The Date and for years I have been trying to pinpoint what precisely it is. I have decided that not knowing is probably part of the magic. I've realized through him that true magic is seen with the heart.

I frequently marvel at all the things he does for me - all the ways he supports me, hears me and entertains me but through his attitude of gratitude I know that he appreciates me as well. Between the two of us there is a lot of mutual respect and appreciation. He once sent me an email that said nothing more than:

"Thank you for being a part of my life."

It feels really good to have someone on the planet that you can talk to, someone that gets you and when they don't get you they support you anyways. It feels just as good to know that you bring those feelings to someone else.

He is someone that will be in my life forever. In some capacity I believe I will always be connected to him in a positive, uplifting and constructive way. This is really more than a belief - it is a knowing and it is something I have known for a very long time.

I'm looking forward to seeing where this leads but I'm in no rush to get anywhere in particular. So far the journey has been enlightening and enjoyable.

"God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you." ~Rascall Flatts

I need a good winch.

The tree is leaning towards the front window.

It wasn't leaning last night dogdammit.

If I could turn my head I'd think about crawling under there to fix it.

*hrmph*

History Lesson: Part II

History Lesson: Part II
Me

I mentioned in Part I that the only real issue with my relationship with The Date was me.

I was just starting the divorce process and carried with me a lot of baggage from that marriage. It was also becoming clear to me that this divorce was not going to go smoothly and I sensed that I might be picking up more baggage along the way.

I once asked myself if I would want to be in a relationship with someone in my situation and my answer was a definitive NO.

As I explored the idea of a relationship with The Date I expressed concerns to him that he was my happy distraction from what I really needed to be focusing on.

With divorce comes change. The relationship with my ex was long gone, many years of a loveless co-existence had been in place but there were schedule changes and adjustments to make with the kids.

I felt like it was important for me to focus on my kids and creating new traditions for our changed home. I felt like it was important to focus on my divorce, keeping my head clear on my goals related to that. I felt like it was important to focus on my new responsibilities. I was now full time charged with house, car and children. I felt like it was important to focus on finding balance between being a single parent and a working mom with a thriving career. I felt like it was important to focus on me. Who was this changed person I called Kathy Howe? Who was I, who had I become and who did I really want to be.

These focal points were mine, all mine. I was the only person that could rightfully and correctly address each of them and while happy distractions are a lovely thing, they do tend to distract us from the sometimes harsh realities of our world.

These were not things that I could afford to be distracted from.

In our break-up conversation The Date told me that in reality, he wasn't really going anywhere. He would always be in my life as long as I wanted him to be. What was happening was he was just changing the relationship to support my goals and needs.

My respect for him multiplied many times over that day.

Despite his claim that he wasn't really going anywhere this changed relationship was a hard stone to swallow. I told him I couldn't simply switch gears and go instantly back to being his friend. He respected that and put the ball in my court. He told me if and when I ever wanted or needed to talk to him that I knew where to find him.

Nearly 6 months would pass before I would make any contact whatsoever.

During that 6 months I remained in a state of heartbreak. I have never missed someone so much in my life and like I said in the previous post, it wasn't the romance and the sex I was missing. We had one date and never slept together. It was our connection intellectually. I missed talking through things with him, hearing his perspective on life, sharing outloud bursts of laughter with him and confiding in him.

During that 6 months I focused on my kids, career, house and self. I found the balance I was looking for and took great pride in accomplishing everything on my own. I grew a lot in that 6 months but I wasn't done growing yet.

During that 6 months my divorce battle escalated and I was so glad not to be in the mix of that and a new relationship. Who knew a divorce could take over two years?

When The Date and I reconnected it was an absolute highlight for me. I took a chance and did something for him completely out of the blue. I also did it somewhat anonymously but he figured it out.

I had spent the six months thinking about how sad I was not having The Date in my life. One day I had two simultaneous thoughts:

1. This is hard on me but I have ignored the fact that it is probably hard for him too.

2. If he wasn't going to be in my life romantically why not have him as a friend? It's better to have a little bit of wonderful than nothing at all.

He called me one evening and on my voicemail left me a thank you and a hello and a how in the hell are you message. I called him back and we talked for a long time. Not about what happened but about what was happening in our lives at that moment.

That was the day that our friendship was reborn.

From that day on he became, once again, my confidant. Someone that talked me in off the ledge during my moments of weakness. He laughed at my jokes and shocked me with his. He trusted me with his secrets and together we celebrated successes. Similar to The Boy, The Date was my other voice of reason.

All of this took place at a distance. When we saw eachother it was purely by chance in passing. No dates.

At the moment of our reconnection I was still not ready for a relationship and over time we began to have conversations about where my heart was at. He was dating people that were not me and while I suspected that he probably was, I remember the first time he said the words. My heart sank to the floor. I struggled to respond with something supportive and encouraging.

It's damn hard to encourage the person you have a gigantic crush on to enjoy their date on Friday night.

I look back to October 18th, 2002 and I barely recognize the Kathy Howe that had the greatest date of her life. I was in such a different place emotionally at that time. It's not even remotely close to who I am today.

*I believe in evolution. I have evolved. Have you?*

I've grown in that time, changed a lot, made some mistakes, made some decisions, fallen a time or two but always gotten back up. I've created new rituals and traditions with the kids and learned to juggle kids, career and house and not lose my sanity. I've learned I can do a lot on my own but I've also learned to ask for help. Asking for support is a sign of strength not weakness.

I didn't set out to be a super-mom. I set out to be a real mom. A responsible one who could take charge of and responsibility for all that was hers.

When I look at my life today I am proud of how far I have come but I still feel like I have a lot of road ahead of me. I still have goals and dreams and things that I want for my life and the life of my kids. I am architecting our future and I don't think that job will ever be complete.

I'm ready to accomplish something new: a lasting relationship. You know...something more than six weeks. I don't know where this will go but I feel like I'm ready for whatever comes to me. I feel like my heart and head are in a space where I can handle a relationship with the same grace and good humor that I use in the rest of my life.

I've come a long way, baby.

I fought the tree & the tree won.

I woke up this morning with something pinched in the back of my neck. It is also throbbing between my shoulder blades.

This is what I get for buying the biggest tree we could find.

*Now be a dear & fetch me an ice pack.*

We are ghetto, hear us roar

My son & niece are now decorating our holiday tree with twist ties for sandwich bags.

*We're white bread, yo.*

Kiss my christmas

I'm posting pictures on my Flickr page of the Howe Holiday Tree Festivities. The link to the site is at the bottom of this page.

The brightside to all this nonsense is that my house smells wonderful.

History Lesson: Part I

The Date

I was browsing my now offline archives of Kazoofus, specifically looking at the old posts about The Date and I decided that instead of trying to piece together parts of those to tell the story, I'd just rewrite it here.

My friendship with The Date started several years ago but it was 3 years ago that he asked me out. I still remember the date of our date:

October 18, 2002

I remember when he asked me out I, without a nanosecond of hesitation, said YES! I was so excited! I thought very highly of him and was most definitely attracted to him. I was a little taken back with the idea that HE would be interested in me though.

I once told him (this was prior to him asking me out) that my next husband would be so organized I would look like a loose cannon. He truly is that organized.

Think Dharma & Greg.

Two people who on the surface appear to be night & day. Dig deeper & you realize that you cannot have one & not the other.

Despite my inability to understand why HE would be interested in ME, there are clear lifestyle differences, I went on the date deciding it wasn't up to me to understand why, it was up to me to just simply accept it. Enjoy it. Have fun.

We went on our date, October 18th, 2002, and we had an incredible time. I once wrote on Kazoofus that it wasn't about what he wore, the car he drove or the food we ate, it was great because I was completely intrigued by what he offered from the inside.

We stayed up all night talking, just talking, all night long. We talked about everything from relationships to kids to divorce to spirituality, food, cars and more.

We were together probably 12 hours before he even kissed me and we never slept together. I had made a personal decision that I wouldn't sleep with someone on the first date and he respected that.

Our connection really starts on an intellectual level.

I once noted a quote from the movie Spanglish that reminded me of my date with The Date:

"It was a conversation of a lifetime."

After our date we continued to talk by phone and talked about when we might get together again. Everything seemed so WONDERFUL with the exception of one thing:

Me.

In the weeks before our date, during our date and in the days following the date I told him repeatedly that I was not interested in dating or in getting into a relationship.

The timing of this was terribly bad.

My ex had moved out just a month earlier and I had recently filed for divorce. The divorce was not going well - do they ever? I had one conversation with The Date where I explained to him that I didn't feel like my life at that point was a good foundation for a new relationship.

He didn't disagree.

I felt like I needed to work though that on my own but despite my words against dating, my actions with him were the exact opposite: going on a date, planning future dates.

Is it my fault he was irresistable?

Before we ever had date number two he phoned me up. He started the conversation by saying that this conversation was going to be unlike any we had had before.

And he was right. By the time the call ended I was so choked up with tears I could not speak.

He ended the relationship.

I remember him telling me that it was important for him to respect what I had been telling him. He agreed that this was not a good time for me to look for a relationship but reminded me that if I needed a friend, he would absolutely be my friend. But the romantic relationship for now was over.

After I hung up the phone I sobbed for hours and I didn't sleep a wink.

My ability to be logical about this was out the window.

I was distraught for weeks.

I was physically sick.

I missed work and when I was at work I was a dogdamn trainwreck.

After several days of trying to process through everything I asked him to meet me face to face so we could talk about what the hell happened. In the time that passed between our phone call and that day I was certain I had twisted things in my head. I had to hear him say the words again - I wanted to be sure that I didn't misunderstand anything and I wanted an opportunity to ask some questions.

He agreed and I choked back tears through the entire conversation. It was good to have that conversation because after a few days I was in a better position to hear him, to truly hear what he said.

What he said still hurt like hell though.

We left it with the idea that no bridges had been burned and maybe someday we could revisit this again.

After that day I didn't speak to him again for many months.

My heart has never in my life been that broken.

There is a secret path to my heart...

...and it runs directly through my stomach.

I'm going to need to decide on a monicker for my Secret Crush who is also known as The Date here on Kazoofus. The secret is officially blown now and we've had more than one date so I'm not sure either of those names fit anymore. I was considering "Honey Bunch" but I can almost guarantee he wouldn't respond to that out in public. At best I could expect a heartfelt eyeroll out of him if I called him "TurtleDove" or "Romeo". I'm still noodling this new monicker thing over. If you have any sassy suggestions please feel free to offer them up.

Last night I had a dinner date with The Date who is now my not so Secret Crush.

He is, thankyoujebus, a gourmet chef.

Pssssttt...hey Billy. Feel free to breathe a sigh of relief now.

As if a homecooked meal wasn't enough he went the extra mile and packed me a bag lunch to bring to work today. Three clementines, three huge chocolate chip cookies and two pieces of chicken. I was instructed to eat the clementines and cookies together - apparently orange and chocolate go together. Who knew? I'll be sure to let you know if my taste buds agree with him on this one.

I was thinking that I should probably repost some of my old blog writings on my original date with him 3 years ago and the evolution of our relationship. Maybe this weekend I can get to doing that. I know that since that date three years ago I have picked up a lot of new readers that do not know the history here. It's an interesting history, at least I think so anyways, but maybe I am a smidge biased. Of course over the weekend Denise and I dished on the subject and she seems to be in agreement that this is an interesting story.

Today I feel really content. Peaceful, yaknow. I'm not up on some homecooked meal high. I feel grounded and good. It's a good feeling.

Tonight the kids and I are going shopping for a holiday tree. TLMS has pointed me in the direction of a great tree farm in our neck of the woods. His directions were right up my alley: drive east over the bridge in town and follow the signs.

I know exactly where that is. ;)

Tomorrow the kids are going to a cookie baking party for kids (there are some brave mothers on this planet) and tomorrow night is a Howe House Slumber Party for no reason whatsoever. I'm sure by Sunday I'll be praying for Monday to hurry up and arrive.

So there you have it kids...all that the news that is fit to be printed from the desk of KathyHowe.

What's up with you?

Where art thou, JJJJB?!?!?!?

First he gives up blogging...again.

And now he has stopped leaving me smarmy comments on my blog.

You know what that means?

It is time for me to make shit up about him again.

Dearest readers, I bring to you 3 totally true things about JJJJB (I'd do ten but I am just to damn tired right now):

1. In the winter he likes to dress up his dog not for warmth but for holiday fun. Last week Fido was sporting a turkey costume. He decided to take it to the next level and attempt to teach the dog how to gobble but it didn't work out. I don't think Fido is amused by any of this.

2. During his senior year of high school he got in trouble for responding to everything with "neener, neener, I can't heeaaaaaaaaaar yooooooooou." during the months of October, November & December. This has also landed him in trouble with his wife a time or two.

3 He likes the song "American Made" by the Oakridge Boys so much that he shaves his legs to feel closer to these lyrics:

My baby is "American Made"
Born and bred in the "U.S.A."
From her silky long hair to her sexy long legs
My baby is "American Made"

What do YOU know about JJJJB?

This might be an asshole thing to say, but...

Since this blog is mine I will always write the content that you see here for me first and you second.

And seriously, sometimes the content isn't really for you at all.

Many things led up to the demise of my relationship with Mr. Incredible. Like I said in my last post, he truly IS incredible, that is the gods honest truth but there were elements within the relationship that I struggled with and most of that came down to me needing to make some decisions about what I want for my life and for the life of my kids. Not just in the short term but well into the future as well.

I returned to dating with the idea that this would be about me getting out, maybe meeting some new people and exploring further the possibilities around romantic futures. I didn't enter into the dating world with a ticking marital clock. I don't know if I ever want to get married again and I don't know if I ever want to live with someone else again. Those are big decisions and time within a relationship will be what ultimately brings me those answers.

One of the things that also impacted my decision to end the relationship with Mr. Incredible was very honestly another man.

Feel free to take a second to catch your breath if necessary.

Some history:

Back in September of 2004 I wrote an open letter to my secret crush here on Kazoofus. The following is a condensed version of the letter that I wrote:

The decision to write this came last night when on the phone with The Boy. I asked him why I think about you so much, even moreso now that I have been running into you more and more lately. He suggested I shit or get off the pot. He very much believes I should make the first move and ask you out. Well, I'm not ready to do that right now. I feel frozen where I am. Perhaps it is fear. Maybe it is my keen awareness that I don't have time to bring you into my life right now. I have a lot that I am juggling and emotionally I don't think I am ready to handle a new relationship. I am also very sure that right now your priorities are elsewhere as well.

As they should be.

Someday, I want for us to go out on a date. Unfortunately, as obsessed as I feel with the idea of being with you, I don't really know when that someday will be. From where I sit I see so many hurdles in our way. If a relationship were to happen it would have to take a long time to evolve.

I wonder if you think about me like I think about you.

Always.

The idea of dating in general absolutely doesn't appeal to me right now but when I think of you I think of a future. I think of a commitment to one another - for better or worse - I think we have so many of the same values and beliefs that I think we would be unstoppable together. When I think about you I think of picking out a comforter for the bedroom and frames for school pictures of the kids. I think I could want to be serious with you - settle down - have the relationship that I swore I would never have with anyone. I think of waking up and making breakfast for all of our kids together, Mrs. Doubtfire impersonations while flipping pancakes and I imagine how much fun we would have merging our lives. I think about how we would support one another at the end of a long, hard day and I think about how we would make the most simple things in every day life so much more enjoyable just by simply being in the presence of eachother. I think about all the nights that we could cuddle up on the couch together and just talk and talk all night long because talking to eachother seems to be something we are really good at.

And enjoy.

I want a meeting of the heart and head. I want someone that gets me like you seem to get me. You ask me the hard questions that nobody else has the courage to ask me. When my heart is heavy you know how to relate to me - you say the right words and give me the right advice. But you never bullshit me. You don't tell me what I want to hear. And sometimes that is hard to take initially but in the end I am so grateful because sometimes in the end, after you gave me advice that I didn't want, I realize that I didn't want it but I did need it. And that you were right. And you always have the calm, collected nature when I feel like I'm out of control. And when your day has maxed you out with stress I want to hear about it. I want to support you. I want to give to you what you give to me. When we talk I am either on the edge of my seat, captivated by the words you speak or I am sitting back, resting, laughing, enjoying the moment feeling comfortable - at home - in my conversation with you.

You smell like chocolate chip cookies.

I feel like there is this thin, invisible string that connects me to you. Regardless of where you are and what you are doing, I never feel like you are truly far from me. It is like I have this connection to you, it is something inside of me that I have truly never felt before and for the life of me I can't understand what it is that makes me feel it now...with you.

The reality is that the longer I wait to be ready, the more I risk losing you. What if you meet someone else? That thought crosses my mind a lot but in my heart of hearts I believe that if this...us...if we are meant to be it will happen when the time is right for both of us. But everytime I say good-bye to you I hope that there will be another time for us to talk...that this was not the last time.

There you go again
I let you get away
At least I’ve got more time
To think of what I might say

If you ever found this I wonder if you would even recognize that I am talking about you. I wonder if you know how I really feel about you. I wonder if when we talk if it is obvious that I am clinging to your words and I wonder if when I see you if you can see my eyes melting when you enter the room. I wonder if, when you think about me, you ever think about future and comforters and Mrs. Doubfire breakfasts for a house full of kids.

Someday I'm going to ask you.

Kathy

Several months ago, before my return to the dating world, before I joined Match, before I met TLMS and before Mr. Incredible I got off my ass and asked him.

Do you think about me like I think about you?

He basically responded with an indirect answer: he prefers to be alone.

That was fine, I answered and I let him know that I had to ask because I was considering a return to the dating world. I explained that if by some stroke of total luck we were both in a place where we were ready to give our relationship another try, well by golly I had to know.

After his response I joined Match, maintained my friendship with him and moved forward with my life.

In November, while I was going about my life, I was surprised to receive a message from my secret crush that basically said...

"Yes. When I think about you I think about future and comforters and Mrs. Doubtfire breakfasts for a house full of kids."

In fact, he thinks about it a lot and he had been giving it a lot of consideration.

"I can't let another tomorrow pass by." he told me.

When I got his message I slid out of my desk chair and laid on my office floor quite certain I was going to pass right fucking out.

I laid on that damn floor for what seemed like eternity.

My head was racing - I just had my first date with Mr. Incredible and it sure didn't go poorly but at the same time, there was no commitment there and jebus hubert christ this is my secret crush that I am reading this message from.

What in the HELL is a girl to do?

After about an hour of deep thought the girl decided she needed to be honest with her secret crush. She just had a great first date with someone but at the same time, she is still wildly infatuated with him. The girl explained to her secret crush that his message, while flattering and wonderful, left her head spinning.

The girl went on to say that she really didn't know what the right thing to do was seeing as how there don't seem to be any hard fast rules on what is right and wrong in dating.

The girl then said that what she would really like is time - face time - with him - so that she and he could talk. Just talk. Catch up on what has changed. Why now? Why me? What is running through his heart and head.

Long story short:

We met.

We talked.

We laughed.

We smiled.

We decided to meet again.

Is the secret crush the love of my life? I don't know. Will I spend the rest of my life with him? I don't know. I think it is too soon to tell but I do know that we have been very close friends for many years, we have many shared interests and have always been attracted to one another.

I have to explore this.

And I can't explore this and a relationship with Mr. Incredible at the same time. That is quite simply not my style.

Part of me thinks that this entire situation is wildly unfair to Mr. Incredible but to do anything other than follow my heart on this would be wildly unfair to me.

So, I am moving forward with my life, learning more and more about myself - who I am and who I want to be. I am also learning about other people, their character, their integrity, their strength and I am seeing big gigantic hearts everywhere.

If I have learned nothing else the biggest lesson that has come to me again and again in recent months is how lucky I am to know such outstanding people.

If life is what you make of it, I must be doing something right.

Between a rock and a hard place.

Sometimes in life decisions need to be made and they aren't easy for anyone involved.

Especially the decision-maker.

I like this quote:

"We can try to avoid making choices by doing nothing, but even that is a decision." ~Gary Collins

After a lot of thought and very careful consideration my relationship with Mr. Incredible has ended.

I'm not planning on sharing details of how or why or what or when on the subject but I will say this:

He really is incredible and I wish him the very best of everything in life. He's an amazing person and I'm so grateful for all the joy he has brought to me. He is bright and funny, successful and outgoing, and he has a huge heart.

While I am leaving this with no regrets whatsoever I need to make it clear that this was not an easy decision to make. Our time together was wonderful and I hope that we can and will preserve the friendship that we have built.

Through Mr. Incredible and The Last Man Standing I have learned so much about myself. I have learned lessons about life and love that I didn't know existed and I owe so much to each of them for being a part of that.

I still have a lot to learn.

Life is a journey and I have been blessed to have two outstanding men journey with me.

Peace, joy and happiness to you, Mr. Incredible. You deserve that and so much more.

No, you're schmoopie.

I had a total warm fuzzy weekend.

It started Saturday when I met Denise for lunch. She is one of those great friends that tells me the things I tell myself only she says them outloud while looking me dead in the eye. We talked & laughed for hours.

Priceless.

Saturday night was time well spent with Cindi Rella. Good laughs, insightful banter & a little ass shaking on the dance floor.

Good times...

Today The Boy & I spent the afternoon hanging out. We did some stuff around the house then went out for lunch. While out for lunch we caught the tail end of the football game.

GO VIKES!

In two days I saw my three best friends. Three people that I adore more than peanut butter, daisies & beer.

They have been with me in good times & bad...sickness & health. This weekend I remembered exactly how lucky I am. I know AMAZING people. My friends are bright, funny, honest, charming & big-hearted.

They are more than friends..they are mentors & motivators, voices of logic & love.

I am so blessed.

This is only a test

I changed a setting on my <strike>boyfriend</strike> Palm Treo & want to see if <em>tags</em> will work when I post from email.

Tis the season to not be a greedy, selfish, materialistic bastard

Regular readers know this:

KathyHowe does not like the Christmas season.

Now that we have officially entered into December it is my job as the author of this blog to remind you that there are people in your community that cannot afford Christmas for their own families.

There are parents that cannot afford to feed their children.

Their are children that do not have gloves and boots and jackets to wear at the bus stop each morning.

While you are out with your Christmas lists looking for the perfect leather jacket for your grandma remember that grandma probably has a closet full of jackets while someone else's grandma has NONE.

Start thinking NOW about what you can do for the people in your community that are struggling to get by each and every day.

Tis the season to get off yer kazoofus and give.