An open letter to my Unc
Before I officially start this letter I need to clarify something.
I have more than one uncle but I have only one Unc. This site is widely read by people in my real life. I don't actually keep track of nor do I generally care who reads this but I want to be clear that I am addressing this letter to the only uncle that I have ever called Unc. If you cannot remember whether or not I ever called you Unc here is additional clarification around who this letter is addressed to:
1. If you or anyone on "that" side of the family (dead or alive *waves to grandma little*) has ever unsuccessfully sued me: this letter is not for you.
2. If you or anyone on "that" side of the family is attempting to sue my father: this letter is not for you.
3. If any of your children have ever phoned my sister, a now retired police officer, for advice on how to get out of a ticket: this letter is not for you.
4. If this website is dedicated to your father: look alive. This letter is for you.
On with the show...
Dear Unc,
I am writing this letter on behalf of me, myself and I but I am willing to bet the rest of the family here in Minnesota will agree with what I am about to say.
I'm not entirely sure what happened, if anything, to prompt you and your family (Aunt and Cuz) to stop spending holidays in Minnesota but I think you should know that I sure do miss having you around.
I can't even remember the last time I saw you. It has been years and I have lost track of exactly how many. That, to me, is too long.
The last time I saw you I was taller than you but I'm older now and shrinking with age and I bet there is a good chance that we are closer in height now. I was thinking that if I could convince you to come to Minnesota for a visit maybe you could make fun of how short I have gotten. If you bring some decent beer you might be able to bribe me to slouch just to give you a bit of an advantage.
I'm divorced now. Not sure if you know that but the ex and I seperated several years ago. Do you know how many great old maid jokes you could be making around the holiday tree at my mom's this year? You are missing out on a whole new area of teasing.
I celebrated the big 3-0 yaknow. Well, like 5 years ago. I remember when you turned 30 and I was certain we'd have to put you in a nursing home because you were so old. I also remember deciding that if you were 30, you were too old for your collection Billy Joel cassette tapes and I promptly tried to take your collection off your hands. You disagreed and kept the collection which then prompted me to think you were getting a bit crotchety with age.
What ever happened to those tapes, by the way?
I took a break from writing this and just went and checked my now offline Kazoofus archives. Do you remember when you sent me this email below? It was August of 2002. I think that was the last time I saw you:
I once did the math and figured out that we are only about 17 years apart. I remember thinking it was cool to have such a young uncle but I bet you thought it was a pain in the kazoofus to have nieces that followed you everywhere and had to be dragged out of your big blue car at ballgames.
What ever happened to your buddy Beamis? Just curious.
For the record I totally forgive you for breaking my water toy when I was a child. I was a little disappointed that you waited until my high school graduation to replace it but you are forgiven regardless. Every time I see a water gun shaped like a hot dog I think of you.
I know that in 1987 I swore I would never in my life return to that godawful state you live in but I'm older now, and wiser, and well, I still think it is a godawful state but you might be able to convince me to make a roadtrip that way if you promise me that there is a liquor store in town.
The other day, out of nowhere a thought hit me like a ton of bricks: my kids don't know who you are.
That makes me sad because I personally can't imagine not knowing you. You were the best uncle ever and I'm not just saying that because you never sued me - you really were cool to grow up with and despite breaking my FAVORITE water toy as a child, you were still my favorite uncle and I would bet my kids would think pretty damn highly of you too.
How's that for a run-on sentence?
You are one of the few connections I have to Grandpa and I know you have stories in your head that I have never heard and possibly a few that I have forgotten. If the family spent holidays together again we could share those stories and maybe make up a few new ones just for shits and giggles.
Mom told me that after grandpa died you wrote something in his honor. I would love to see it - I've heard it is amazing.
Anyways, I'm just going on and on here and I could probably keep doing that for a very long time - rambling aimlessly is the Sullivan way after all.
I hope you are well and I hope wherever you and your family spend the holidays it is bright and joyful and loaded with love.
The rest of us knuckleheads will be thinking of you this year.
Peace and love,
Niece
I have more than one uncle but I have only one Unc. This site is widely read by people in my real life. I don't actually keep track of nor do I generally care who reads this but I want to be clear that I am addressing this letter to the only uncle that I have ever called Unc. If you cannot remember whether or not I ever called you Unc here is additional clarification around who this letter is addressed to:
1. If you or anyone on "that" side of the family (dead or alive *waves to grandma little*) has ever unsuccessfully sued me: this letter is not for you.
2. If you or anyone on "that" side of the family is attempting to sue my father: this letter is not for you.
3. If any of your children have ever phoned my sister, a now retired police officer, for advice on how to get out of a ticket: this letter is not for you.
4. If this website is dedicated to your father: look alive. This letter is for you.
On with the show...
Dear Unc,
I am writing this letter on behalf of me, myself and I but I am willing to bet the rest of the family here in Minnesota will agree with what I am about to say.
I'm not entirely sure what happened, if anything, to prompt you and your family (Aunt and Cuz) to stop spending holidays in Minnesota but I think you should know that I sure do miss having you around.
I can't even remember the last time I saw you. It has been years and I have lost track of exactly how many. That, to me, is too long.
The last time I saw you I was taller than you but I'm older now and shrinking with age and I bet there is a good chance that we are closer in height now. I was thinking that if I could convince you to come to Minnesota for a visit maybe you could make fun of how short I have gotten. If you bring some decent beer you might be able to bribe me to slouch just to give you a bit of an advantage.
I'm divorced now. Not sure if you know that but the ex and I seperated several years ago. Do you know how many great old maid jokes you could be making around the holiday tree at my mom's this year? You are missing out on a whole new area of teasing.
I celebrated the big 3-0 yaknow. Well, like 5 years ago. I remember when you turned 30 and I was certain we'd have to put you in a nursing home because you were so old. I also remember deciding that if you were 30, you were too old for your collection Billy Joel cassette tapes and I promptly tried to take your collection off your hands. You disagreed and kept the collection which then prompted me to think you were getting a bit crotchety with age.
What ever happened to those tapes, by the way?
I took a break from writing this and just went and checked my now offline Kazoofus archives. Do you remember when you sent me this email below? It was August of 2002. I think that was the last time I saw you:
From: Unc
Subject: Ohhh, she ripped and tore
To: mailbagsubmissions@kazoofus.com
By the way, niece, I enjoyed seeing you and your family Sunday, although the time was far too short. Your kids are great. Are you sure they're yours? (Kidding)
Since I didn't get a chance to tell you this in person, I'll do it again here. I enjoy this Web site very much. I now check in regularly. You have to respect a 30-year old woman who quotes lyrics from the Bobby Fuller Four, a band popular at just about the same time man invented fire.
In my previous post, I also neglected to tell you what a worthy honor this site is for my dad/your grandfather. It's amazing that you remember the waitress at Toby's. I barely recall anything about her, just dim images of brown hair and glasses. I do remember spending the better part of puberty waiting for dad to a) stop flirting with her; and b) finish eating his goddam food.
By the way, spread the word that you are related to newly crowned slowest eater in America. I have inherited the title vacated by MMS. By the time I finish a steak these days, it has calves.
I'm outta here
I once did the math and figured out that we are only about 17 years apart. I remember thinking it was cool to have such a young uncle but I bet you thought it was a pain in the kazoofus to have nieces that followed you everywhere and had to be dragged out of your big blue car at ballgames.
What ever happened to your buddy Beamis? Just curious.
For the record I totally forgive you for breaking my water toy when I was a child. I was a little disappointed that you waited until my high school graduation to replace it but you are forgiven regardless. Every time I see a water gun shaped like a hot dog I think of you.
I know that in 1987 I swore I would never in my life return to that godawful state you live in but I'm older now, and wiser, and well, I still think it is a godawful state but you might be able to convince me to make a roadtrip that way if you promise me that there is a liquor store in town.
The other day, out of nowhere a thought hit me like a ton of bricks: my kids don't know who you are.
That makes me sad because I personally can't imagine not knowing you. You were the best uncle ever and I'm not just saying that because you never sued me - you really were cool to grow up with and despite breaking my FAVORITE water toy as a child, you were still my favorite uncle and I would bet my kids would think pretty damn highly of you too.
How's that for a run-on sentence?
You are one of the few connections I have to Grandpa and I know you have stories in your head that I have never heard and possibly a few that I have forgotten. If the family spent holidays together again we could share those stories and maybe make up a few new ones just for shits and giggles.
Mom told me that after grandpa died you wrote something in his honor. I would love to see it - I've heard it is amazing.
Anyways, I'm just going on and on here and I could probably keep doing that for a very long time - rambling aimlessly is the Sullivan way after all.
I hope you are well and I hope wherever you and your family spend the holidays it is bright and joyful and loaded with love.
The rest of us knuckleheads will be thinking of you this year.
Peace and love,
Niece
3 Comments:
Critics Corner:
The "old maid" part just doesn't swing.
Otherwise, great testimony. :)
crossing fingers that you hear from Unc and that he makes it home for the holidays.
Isn't it disturbing how the people we love most and who are the most fun to be around can just sort of slip away? I mean, it's been 8 years since I've seen one of my favorite people. What's with that?
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