History Lesson: Part II

History Lesson: Part II
Me

I mentioned in Part I that the only real issue with my relationship with The Date was me.

I was just starting the divorce process and carried with me a lot of baggage from that marriage. It was also becoming clear to me that this divorce was not going to go smoothly and I sensed that I might be picking up more baggage along the way.

I once asked myself if I would want to be in a relationship with someone in my situation and my answer was a definitive NO.

As I explored the idea of a relationship with The Date I expressed concerns to him that he was my happy distraction from what I really needed to be focusing on.

With divorce comes change. The relationship with my ex was long gone, many years of a loveless co-existence had been in place but there were schedule changes and adjustments to make with the kids.

I felt like it was important for me to focus on my kids and creating new traditions for our changed home. I felt like it was important to focus on my divorce, keeping my head clear on my goals related to that. I felt like it was important to focus on my new responsibilities. I was now full time charged with house, car and children. I felt like it was important to focus on finding balance between being a single parent and a working mom with a thriving career. I felt like it was important to focus on me. Who was this changed person I called Kathy Howe? Who was I, who had I become and who did I really want to be.

These focal points were mine, all mine. I was the only person that could rightfully and correctly address each of them and while happy distractions are a lovely thing, they do tend to distract us from the sometimes harsh realities of our world.

These were not things that I could afford to be distracted from.

In our break-up conversation The Date told me that in reality, he wasn't really going anywhere. He would always be in my life as long as I wanted him to be. What was happening was he was just changing the relationship to support my goals and needs.

My respect for him multiplied many times over that day.

Despite his claim that he wasn't really going anywhere this changed relationship was a hard stone to swallow. I told him I couldn't simply switch gears and go instantly back to being his friend. He respected that and put the ball in my court. He told me if and when I ever wanted or needed to talk to him that I knew where to find him.

Nearly 6 months would pass before I would make any contact whatsoever.

During that 6 months I remained in a state of heartbreak. I have never missed someone so much in my life and like I said in the previous post, it wasn't the romance and the sex I was missing. We had one date and never slept together. It was our connection intellectually. I missed talking through things with him, hearing his perspective on life, sharing outloud bursts of laughter with him and confiding in him.

During that 6 months I focused on my kids, career, house and self. I found the balance I was looking for and took great pride in accomplishing everything on my own. I grew a lot in that 6 months but I wasn't done growing yet.

During that 6 months my divorce battle escalated and I was so glad not to be in the mix of that and a new relationship. Who knew a divorce could take over two years?

When The Date and I reconnected it was an absolute highlight for me. I took a chance and did something for him completely out of the blue. I also did it somewhat anonymously but he figured it out.

I had spent the six months thinking about how sad I was not having The Date in my life. One day I had two simultaneous thoughts:

1. This is hard on me but I have ignored the fact that it is probably hard for him too.

2. If he wasn't going to be in my life romantically why not have him as a friend? It's better to have a little bit of wonderful than nothing at all.

He called me one evening and on my voicemail left me a thank you and a hello and a how in the hell are you message. I called him back and we talked for a long time. Not about what happened but about what was happening in our lives at that moment.

That was the day that our friendship was reborn.

From that day on he became, once again, my confidant. Someone that talked me in off the ledge during my moments of weakness. He laughed at my jokes and shocked me with his. He trusted me with his secrets and together we celebrated successes. Similar to The Boy, The Date was my other voice of reason.

All of this took place at a distance. When we saw eachother it was purely by chance in passing. No dates.

At the moment of our reconnection I was still not ready for a relationship and over time we began to have conversations about where my heart was at. He was dating people that were not me and while I suspected that he probably was, I remember the first time he said the words. My heart sank to the floor. I struggled to respond with something supportive and encouraging.

It's damn hard to encourage the person you have a gigantic crush on to enjoy their date on Friday night.

I look back to October 18th, 2002 and I barely recognize the Kathy Howe that had the greatest date of her life. I was in such a different place emotionally at that time. It's not even remotely close to who I am today.

*I believe in evolution. I have evolved. Have you?*

I've grown in that time, changed a lot, made some mistakes, made some decisions, fallen a time or two but always gotten back up. I've created new rituals and traditions with the kids and learned to juggle kids, career and house and not lose my sanity. I've learned I can do a lot on my own but I've also learned to ask for help. Asking for support is a sign of strength not weakness.

I didn't set out to be a super-mom. I set out to be a real mom. A responsible one who could take charge of and responsibility for all that was hers.

When I look at my life today I am proud of how far I have come but I still feel like I have a lot of road ahead of me. I still have goals and dreams and things that I want for my life and the life of my kids. I am architecting our future and I don't think that job will ever be complete.

I'm ready to accomplish something new: a lasting relationship. You know...something more than six weeks. I don't know where this will go but I feel like I'm ready for whatever comes to me. I feel like my heart and head are in a space where I can handle a relationship with the same grace and good humor that I use in the rest of my life.

I've come a long way, baby.