This might be an asshole thing to say, but...

Since this blog is mine I will always write the content that you see here for me first and you second.

And seriously, sometimes the content isn't really for you at all.

Many things led up to the demise of my relationship with Mr. Incredible. Like I said in my last post, he truly IS incredible, that is the gods honest truth but there were elements within the relationship that I struggled with and most of that came down to me needing to make some decisions about what I want for my life and for the life of my kids. Not just in the short term but well into the future as well.

I returned to dating with the idea that this would be about me getting out, maybe meeting some new people and exploring further the possibilities around romantic futures. I didn't enter into the dating world with a ticking marital clock. I don't know if I ever want to get married again and I don't know if I ever want to live with someone else again. Those are big decisions and time within a relationship will be what ultimately brings me those answers.

One of the things that also impacted my decision to end the relationship with Mr. Incredible was very honestly another man.

Feel free to take a second to catch your breath if necessary.

Some history:

Back in September of 2004 I wrote an open letter to my secret crush here on Kazoofus. The following is a condensed version of the letter that I wrote:

The decision to write this came last night when on the phone with The Boy. I asked him why I think about you so much, even moreso now that I have been running into you more and more lately. He suggested I shit or get off the pot. He very much believes I should make the first move and ask you out. Well, I'm not ready to do that right now. I feel frozen where I am. Perhaps it is fear. Maybe it is my keen awareness that I don't have time to bring you into my life right now. I have a lot that I am juggling and emotionally I don't think I am ready to handle a new relationship. I am also very sure that right now your priorities are elsewhere as well.

As they should be.

Someday, I want for us to go out on a date. Unfortunately, as obsessed as I feel with the idea of being with you, I don't really know when that someday will be. From where I sit I see so many hurdles in our way. If a relationship were to happen it would have to take a long time to evolve.

I wonder if you think about me like I think about you.

Always.

The idea of dating in general absolutely doesn't appeal to me right now but when I think of you I think of a future. I think of a commitment to one another - for better or worse - I think we have so many of the same values and beliefs that I think we would be unstoppable together. When I think about you I think of picking out a comforter for the bedroom and frames for school pictures of the kids. I think I could want to be serious with you - settle down - have the relationship that I swore I would never have with anyone. I think of waking up and making breakfast for all of our kids together, Mrs. Doubtfire impersonations while flipping pancakes and I imagine how much fun we would have merging our lives. I think about how we would support one another at the end of a long, hard day and I think about how we would make the most simple things in every day life so much more enjoyable just by simply being in the presence of eachother. I think about all the nights that we could cuddle up on the couch together and just talk and talk all night long because talking to eachother seems to be something we are really good at.

And enjoy.

I want a meeting of the heart and head. I want someone that gets me like you seem to get me. You ask me the hard questions that nobody else has the courage to ask me. When my heart is heavy you know how to relate to me - you say the right words and give me the right advice. But you never bullshit me. You don't tell me what I want to hear. And sometimes that is hard to take initially but in the end I am so grateful because sometimes in the end, after you gave me advice that I didn't want, I realize that I didn't want it but I did need it. And that you were right. And you always have the calm, collected nature when I feel like I'm out of control. And when your day has maxed you out with stress I want to hear about it. I want to support you. I want to give to you what you give to me. When we talk I am either on the edge of my seat, captivated by the words you speak or I am sitting back, resting, laughing, enjoying the moment feeling comfortable - at home - in my conversation with you.

You smell like chocolate chip cookies.

I feel like there is this thin, invisible string that connects me to you. Regardless of where you are and what you are doing, I never feel like you are truly far from me. It is like I have this connection to you, it is something inside of me that I have truly never felt before and for the life of me I can't understand what it is that makes me feel it now...with you.

The reality is that the longer I wait to be ready, the more I risk losing you. What if you meet someone else? That thought crosses my mind a lot but in my heart of hearts I believe that if this...us...if we are meant to be it will happen when the time is right for both of us. But everytime I say good-bye to you I hope that there will be another time for us to talk...that this was not the last time.

There you go again
I let you get away
At least I’ve got more time
To think of what I might say

If you ever found this I wonder if you would even recognize that I am talking about you. I wonder if you know how I really feel about you. I wonder if when we talk if it is obvious that I am clinging to your words and I wonder if when I see you if you can see my eyes melting when you enter the room. I wonder if, when you think about me, you ever think about future and comforters and Mrs. Doubfire breakfasts for a house full of kids.

Someday I'm going to ask you.

Kathy

Several months ago, before my return to the dating world, before I joined Match, before I met TLMS and before Mr. Incredible I got off my ass and asked him.

Do you think about me like I think about you?

He basically responded with an indirect answer: he prefers to be alone.

That was fine, I answered and I let him know that I had to ask because I was considering a return to the dating world. I explained that if by some stroke of total luck we were both in a place where we were ready to give our relationship another try, well by golly I had to know.

After his response I joined Match, maintained my friendship with him and moved forward with my life.

In November, while I was going about my life, I was surprised to receive a message from my secret crush that basically said...

"Yes. When I think about you I think about future and comforters and Mrs. Doubtfire breakfasts for a house full of kids."

In fact, he thinks about it a lot and he had been giving it a lot of consideration.

"I can't let another tomorrow pass by." he told me.

When I got his message I slid out of my desk chair and laid on my office floor quite certain I was going to pass right fucking out.

I laid on that damn floor for what seemed like eternity.

My head was racing - I just had my first date with Mr. Incredible and it sure didn't go poorly but at the same time, there was no commitment there and jebus hubert christ this is my secret crush that I am reading this message from.

What in the HELL is a girl to do?

After about an hour of deep thought the girl decided she needed to be honest with her secret crush. She just had a great first date with someone but at the same time, she is still wildly infatuated with him. The girl explained to her secret crush that his message, while flattering and wonderful, left her head spinning.

The girl went on to say that she really didn't know what the right thing to do was seeing as how there don't seem to be any hard fast rules on what is right and wrong in dating.

The girl then said that what she would really like is time - face time - with him - so that she and he could talk. Just talk. Catch up on what has changed. Why now? Why me? What is running through his heart and head.

Long story short:

We met.

We talked.

We laughed.

We smiled.

We decided to meet again.

Is the secret crush the love of my life? I don't know. Will I spend the rest of my life with him? I don't know. I think it is too soon to tell but I do know that we have been very close friends for many years, we have many shared interests and have always been attracted to one another.

I have to explore this.

And I can't explore this and a relationship with Mr. Incredible at the same time. That is quite simply not my style.

Part of me thinks that this entire situation is wildly unfair to Mr. Incredible but to do anything other than follow my heart on this would be wildly unfair to me.

So, I am moving forward with my life, learning more and more about myself - who I am and who I want to be. I am also learning about other people, their character, their integrity, their strength and I am seeing big gigantic hearts everywhere.

If I have learned nothing else the biggest lesson that has come to me again and again in recent months is how lucky I am to know such outstanding people.

If life is what you make of it, I must be doing something right.