Ain't too proud to beg.

Those of you that know me or have read this site for any length of time know that I am not prone to asking you to do anything. I'm thrilled that you stop by here, I love reading your comments and emails. I think it is great that you come back time and time again. But it isn't often that I step on my soapbox and ask you to actually DO something.

Today is different.

Today I am asking you to help me save Bourbon Street.

Unless you are emerging from several days of life under a rock you are well aware of the disaster that has devastated New Orleans. There are stories everywhere, images everywhere, pleas for help...everywhere.

The city needs our help.

My help...your help...and the help of the shmoe sitting next to you.

So here is my request of you today:

1. Go to the RedCross website and donate something, anything. I would be thrilled if every person that reads this blog donated $5 before the week is over.
   
   
2. Go home and go through your closets and cupboards. What do you have that you can give up? Extra jackets, shirts, pants? Wallets, purses, briefcases? How about some blankets that you don't use anymore, that spare set of dishes that you never use or some canned goods from your pantry? Bag it up and donate it.
   
   
3. If you have a website, post this same request on it and beg YOUR readers to step up to the plate and help one of this countries most amazing cities get back on its feet.
   

I hate to sound like an ass but this is my blog so here is my last and final (and very ranty) request:

I do not want to see a long ass list of comments commending me for my post or sharing the shock of the size of the disaster. I want comments that say "Hey KathyHowe! I clicked on the RedCross link and donated $5." or "I am leaving my house right scratchafriggenNOW and going to buy non-perishable food items to donate."

Do not bother leaving a comment on this post unless you actually DO something to help New Orleans. I don't want a bunch of wishy washy heartfelt support comments sending loving hugs and prayers to New Orleans. That does NOT put food on the table and it does NOT keep small children that just lost EVERYTHING warm at night. Pray your ass off while you click on the link to donate whatever you can afford, send warm fuzzy thoughts after you send food, light a candle AFTER you get off your ass and DO something.

Please?

Did I miss a memo!?!?!?!?

I just found out that today is JJJJJJJJJB's birthday.

Get on over there and wish him a great day. He is one of my favorite blog buddies, famous here on Kazoofus for leaving all kinds of sASSy comments.

And if you don't know who JJJJB is, read this.

The walk of a lifetime

Not long after I moved into my house I noticed an older, retired male neighbor, famous in the hood for his regular walks through the neighborhood. After living here a few months I met his very sweet, elderly wife.

His physical condition was considerably better than hers. When he power-walked, she strolled slowly & from time to time he slowed his pace to walk with his wife.

On all of his solo walks he would read a book while walking. She once explained to me that he his a retired journalist & avid reader but he is also very shy. She noted that burying his head in a book served as protection from chatty neighbors.

I've never exchanged more than a friendly hello with him, everything I know about them came from her.

Both of them walked daily, rain or shine, they always took their walks. About two years ago I spotted our sweet lady neighbor sporting a cast on her arm then as fall & winter rolled by the kids & I noted that we hadn't seen her for awhile.

Maybe the weather was just getting to be too much for her, I explained to the kids.

She used to call Sissy & Boo "Brown Eyes" & gush over how much fun it was for her to see them playing in the same neighborhood where her now grown children once played.

In the spring that followed that last summer sighting I saw him out on a walk but this time he did not have a book resting in his hands, instead he held the arms of a wheel chair.

Her chair.

She had suffered a stroke.

No longer able to care for herself or even speak, he bundled her up in warm wooly blankets for an early spring walk. After one winter with her at home he finally had to put her into a nursing home, unable to provide the 24/7 care she needed.

And now, nearly two years after her stroke I still see him out on his daily walks with her chair in his hands.

My day in a nutshell

Or in list form...call it what you will...

• I discovered two dead mice in the backyard this morning. Yesterday was another chipmunk corpse in the garage and AGAIN, with half it's face chewed off. If I ever take up bear hunting Monkey "The Killer" the cat is totally going with me.
  
• I spent this morning journaling and reading. Have you read any of the Men are from Mars books? I think I'm hooked. Good stuff.
  
• I did a little landscaping project today. This is the before shot. Nose around my Flickr account long enough and you'll find "during" and "after" also. Can you believe no sledgehammers were abused utilized in the process?
  
• I think I was tentatively stood up on a tentatively scheduled date today. I'm not super fresh on the rules and definitions of dating so I'm not totally sure. I do know that I don't actually give a damn because date or no date, today was a spectacular day.
  
• For the dating record, I have been on TWO dates officially and neither party was maimed, killed, maced or verbally assaulted at any point during the event. Mark doesn't believe me, he's looking for empty bags of cement and used up rolls of duct tape. What he doesn't know is that I totally have an alibi for the duct tape. Rookie.
  
• After my morning of journaling, reading and landscaping I went over to the library. They gave me a new library card. Which means a new number. I had the old one memorized dammit. This is not sitting well with me.
  
• After the library, more reading then the cleaning started. Everyone, I would like you to meet Tom. My Peeping Frog.
  
• Cleaning included washing windows, taking out screens (to be washed tomorrow), dusting (mmmmmmmmm...Murphy's orange oil), scrubbing the fridge (all sides), scrubbing floors, cleaning ceiling fans, feather dusting corners, vacuuming and rocking out to Dwight Yoakam set to REPEAT on the CD player. Does that man HAVE a bad song? methinksnot
  
• I finally tended to the now defunct beehive. For some reason spraying it in the middle of the night when it was infested with live killer bees didn't bother me in the least. Going BACK to it to take it out of the tree completely skeeved me out. You'll note that the dog handled the event far better than I.
  
• I spoke to me mum and confirmed that the news of my return to the dating world did in fact knock her off her feet. She's still recovering from the shock. Cards and flowers can be sent C/O Ma Bear Kazoofus...
  
• This bullet is not related to today but if you want to read a photo comment stream that just cracked my ass right up CLICK HERE!
  

Sooooooooooo...tell me all the zany details of YOUR day.

For shame...

A giant *tsk* *tsk* to any Kazoofus reader that has read THIS BOOK and not recommended it to me.

Hell...I haven't even READ it and I'm recommending it to you. All of you! Men included. Everyone should read this book. Dating, committed, single by design...I think this looks like a book for everyone.

Get on out there and dance read. Reaaaaaaaaaad I say...

I was out browsing the Oprah website when I ran across it.

It looks like a great, no nonsense, cut the brown sugar book. Probably loaded with all kinds of things that we already know but are too chicken to believe or act on independently.

What are you waiting for? Check it out!

How to be a lazy blogger, by Kathy Howe

Some of the people that frequent this site also stop by my other weblog, Kathzoofus.

For those of you that read that site I'd like to apologize for being exceptionally lazy with my posts lately. I am on several listservs that publish great quotes via email each and every day. Once upon a time I would post those quotes with my personal thoughts and feelings on the message but lately I have been simply posting the quotes and nothing (or very little) more.

Iki recently asked me for a list of some of my favorite books and as I browsed the various book shelves and baskets around the house I came across some of my old journals. As I flipped through them I was reminded of why I started Kathzoofus in the first place. It wasn't to quote other people and share their great wisdom, it was to let people have a peek inside my head too. And I have strayed from that.

So, in the spirit of bringing Kathzoofus back to it's roots (For the inspired masses) I'll be posting some of my journal entries out on Kathzoofus starting this weekend. Some of it you may have seen there or here before so pardon the repeats if you are a long time reader.

The first thing I plan to post is something that I started writing about (oh sheesh...help me out here Stace) maybe three years ago? It's called "I Believe" and it is a constant work in progress. I have a journal that is dedicated to my "I Believe" statements. See my Flickr page for the dead sexy journal cover.

So if you are looking for me this weekend, come and knock on my other door.

Consider yourself warned.

I'm watching Oprah right now. Have you heard about her series of shows dubbed "Wildest Dreams Come True"?

RUN FOR YER LIFE!

Myyyyyy god. Pass the tissues. I'm sobbing.

Never, ever again, so help me gawd.

Today my hairstylist made me swear on a mixed stack of Glamour and Cosmopolitan magazines that I would never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever attempt to touch up my eyebrows on my own again.

Nevah.Evah.

Just for today...

...I will not make assumptions about who left the dead chipmunk with half its face chewed off in the garage.

...I will embrace the unique and playful ways in which Monkey the cat scares me half to death wakes me up from my sleep.

...I will only consume one pot of coffee.

...I will do something with the now defunct bee hive in the backyard.

...I will not call my parrot niece pet names "poopy butt" and "Stinky Feet McGee".

What will you do today?

How timely.

I just found this dating article out on MSN.com. Go read it then come back here for my responses.

Go now. I'll wait.

First-date dictate #1: Dress with finesse

Dress however you are most comfortable dressing. I do not want to see you in a suit and tie if that is not something you enjoy wearing. Also please dress for the event. If we are meeting for a casual Sunday lunch do not gear up in your dry cleanables. A nice pair of jeans and a polo shirt are perfectly acceptable for damn near everything.

First-date dictate #2: Perfect the proper greeting

Where's my mace? Show up at my house to pick me up on a first date and I'll get the attack cat and his sidekick (the dog with the wildly wagging tail and enough drool to drown an Olympic swimmer) after you. Meet me someplace sunny, populated and easy to get to. Also, kiss me on the first date and you can expect a knee to the groin. You'll be dogdamn lucky to get a hug. And for the record: a kiss on the cheek is far less intruisive than a hug or lip kiss but still far too friendly for a first date in my opinion. Do not call me lovely or cute. Not on the first date, not ever. I would prefer to be complimented on my intelligence thankyouverymuch.

First-date dictate #3: Charm her with a bit of classic etiquette

Where have all the classy men gone? Bring on the etiquette!!!

First-date dictate #4: Order with panache

I'm a fussy eater. Do not order anything for me (or for "us") unless your are prepared to eat it alone. Only one man on this planet has ever taken command and ordered me food and he knew me damn near 3 years before doing it. And for the record, I didn't eat the cauliflower.

First-date dictate #5: Bid her goodnight in grand style

Hugs are not expected, are they? I do not expect a hug on a good first date and certainly don't expect one on a bad first date. Try kissing me on the first date and see up there under item #2 where knee meets groin.

What are or would be (if you are spoken for) your first date rules?

This blog is starting to resemble a dogdamn confessional.

I have another secret to confess. This one is probably not as juicy as the last secret I revealed but I think you will appreciate my honesty regardless.

People lie and deceive eachother in a lot of ways and I don't want us to have that kind of a relationship. So, in the spirit of never denying you the truth, my truth, what I think and feel in my heart of hearts at the deepest and most sincere level, I want you to know that I have never ever in my entire life hated any of the pictures on my driver's license.

In fact, I've always kind of liked them.

Oh man...it feels so good to get that off my chest...

As promised, I bring you more.

If you dont know what secret I revealed read THIS first, then read THIS.

OK...NOW you can read this...

I took about a week off from the dating service but when I logged off I made a mental note of three guys that I didnt necessarily want to lose touch with. We had exchanged some casual emails in the short time I was active with the service. One was wildly funny, another was incredibly direct in his line of questioning not afraid to ask me tough questions and the third struck me as a genuinely nice, nice guy. I decided that I didnt want to just disappear on them so I emailed each of them privately, the same message that basically said I was taking my profile offline. I noted that I dont have a lot of free time in my life and I needed some time to review my availability to be a part of the dating world and my approach to managing my dating service account if I did return. I essentially ended the emails with a dont call me, Ill call you signature.

All three responded back with absolute understanding of my lack of time and open invitations to call or email or meet them for lunch anytime. They each noted that they would be on standby until they heard from me again.

When I returned to the service a week later I met one more fella which brought the total number of men that didnt skeeve me out to four. As my first month anniversary with the service rolled around I cancelled my subscription once and for all and I forwarded each of the four guys a personal Kathy Howe email address so we could continue to keep in touch.

(I think this next part is the REAL answer to your burning question.)

Has Kathy Howe actually gone on any dates with any of these men?

Yes, I have. Just one date though.

Remember back in that first post when I noted that one of the reasons I dont date is lack of time? Well let me just say that point has been validated over and over in the past several weeks. I dont have the time required for a new romantic relationship and men that are interesting to me dont actually have a lotta time for it either. It took me an entire six weeks to find a timeslot that worked with my schedule and someone elses to schedule A.SINGLE.DATE.

SIX WEEKS, PEOPLE.

Now I am not an exceptionally busy person. Not socially anyways. My busy life comes from tending to kids, career and house. And it still took SIX.FRIGGEN.WEEKS to schedule one date.

So, in a nutshell here it is, friends:

I met four guys that have busy lives just like mine.

I met four guys that have their kids the exact OPPOSITE schedule of when I have mine.

I met four guys that arent interested in foregoing their time with their children to spend time with a strange woman they met online. (If our schedules work together great, if not, thats life is the thought process we all share).

I met four guys that have their priorities COMPLETELY in order.

I met four nice guys.

The End.

I don't know why this just occurred to me.

I'm just sitting here, working away, minding my Corporate America business and it just popped in my head that if given the choice I'd rather be in a room full of corpses than in a room with someone that was choking, bleeding profusely or otherwise inching towards death.

Good thing I didn't pursue a gig in the medical field I guess.

The (partial) answer to the burning question: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED NEXT?

Once I activated my membership with the dating service I started running searches looking for the perfect match for myself. The first search I ran was what could best be described as “The Eliminator”. It eliminated most every man on the planet because the search criteria was so tightly defined. The first (seriously FIRST) person I came across (gawd I wish I was making this up) was an ex-boyfriend.

Now, I have to tell you that my first initial reaction to finding his profile was my stomach dropping to my shoes then skyrocketing to the top of my immediately dizzy head. After I caught my breath from the shock of finding him, I decided this is not a bad thing. While this person is a former boyfriend they are presently a very close friend of mine. He is someone that I have an incredible amount of respect for so when I read his profile and considered what I had searched for I knew that I had to keep my requirements tight if I wanted to find someone of equal or higher quality.

Over the next week and a half I was contacted by several men, off the top of my head I’d say 25+, many of which I eliminated from the radar very quickly based on them having a seemingly high Idiot Rating based on my (see above) Eliminator Requirements.

If I say I am looking for a Divorced White Male ages 35-47 do not have Grandpa Jones, age 72 looking for a Harley Mama contact me for travels around the country for cryin’ out loud. At the same time, I do not want the hot buff 21 year old that looks like Keanu Reeves and wants to party all the time either. Dig?

PTO.DADS.ARE.SEXY.

How fucking hard is that to understand?

Anyways...as the week and a half rolled on I started feeling incredibly overwhelmed by all of the contacts and was having a hard time keeping up with it all. I decided if I can't manage the damn emails in my day how in sam hell am I supposed to coordinate actually MEETING any of these people. After just 7 days of participation I blocked my profile and suspended my membership because this was a helluva lot more time consuming than I expected.

More later.

Keith is too slow on the draw dogdammit.

Maybe if he woulda commented sooner I would have stayed the hell away from the bee situation but alas I am bee-free thanks to a Friday night trip to Menards for some RAID and a middle of the night bee evacuation.

I now return to the only acceptable form of buzzing.

Old McDonald...

The kids & I went to a farm party yesterday. I posted farm pics & more Grand Marais pics out on Fickr. The link to my Flickr site is near the bottom of this page.

Today my daughter has the fever my son had early last week. She has been asleep most of the day, Boo is at a play date & I've been out wrecking myself in the yard. Today's yard fun is cleaning up the growth around the pond. Need to start clearing it out to make room for winter sledding.

What's happening in your world today?

Rocket science

I just figured out why the alarm clock didn't wake up me & the kids from our naps at 3pm.

stoopid alarm

No, you don't have cold feet, that's HELL freezing over

Who's ready to read my secret?

I could skip around and begin this post with all kinds of flirty starts, skipping around the secret but I'm just going to cut the B.S. (Brown Sugar) and get right down too the big revelation:

Approximately a month and a half ago the Kathy Howe Single By Design Dating Hiatus was suspended.

(Someone pick my mother up off the floor, please).

About a month before the official dating hiatus suspension I started thinking about the subject of my hiatus and specifically around the timeframe in which it has been in place. Nearly three years have gone by since I gave up dating and while I sincerely haven't missed it in the least, I started thinking it might be a wee tiny smidge close minded of me to not re-evaluate my stance on the subject.

I've had many conversations on the topic with various people and from those conversations, and my own thoughts and analysis, my opinions on dating really haven't ever changed. I decided that the only way to truly determine if my reasons for not dating were still valid would be to get back out there and give dating another try.

In a private conversation with a blogger that shall remain nameless I recently commented:

"I don't like to form beliefs then hold them so tightly that I cannot review them over time to see if they have changed...never re-evaluating them would be egotisitcal on my part."

All along, I have always said that there are really two main reasons for the hiatus:

1. Time. I don't have the free time required to pursue a new relationship.
2. Interest. I seriously do not miss having a man in my life.

Rella recently commented on her blog that she has people in her circle that fear she is or will be lonely without a man in her life. I totally agree with her response:

"I'll never be alone, I'll always have my friends. Being alone, will never happen. Being without a significant other is a distinct possibility."

People fear that I am bored and lonely by myself. I'm not bored, I'm not lonely and I'm certainly not by myself.

So...back to the suspended dating hiatus.

I am dead set against being set up on dates by people that I know.

DEAD.
SET.
AGAINST.

So if you know me and have someone great in mind for me...forget it.

In my professional life I have met some incredible single men but I've never had tremendous success with dating men I work with. I decided after my last experience that I would never again date someone that I work with.

There goes another man pool to tap into.

In the end I decided that the best way to get back out there to re-test my theories would be to join a dating service.

In early July I joined a dating service and wrote this in my profile:

I'll have to put some time into writing something profound for this section later on. I wasn't prepared to provide actual information about me...I thought this was about you. Here's the quick introduction: People that make me think and laugh are incredibly attractive to me. I am independent, annoyingly optimistic and completely self-sufficient. I also enjoy being single which probably makes my presence here seem odd. Presently my life is focused on my kids, my career and taking care of my house - all three are things that I love madly. While there isn't a lot of free time in my life, I would make time for the right person. I'm not a one-night-stand and I'm not itching to get married. If you are looking for someone that will jump into a relationship 100% right out of the gate keep looking. I'd like to meet someone that isn't in a hurry to do anything and can appreciate the little things in life. I love being outside (any season). I'm quite happy hanging out at home planting flowers, playing in the snow with the kids, dusting the mantles on the fireplaces and cleaning the garage. You won't meet me at bars or parties. I'm more likely to spend a Saturday evening power-washing the vinyl siding on my house. I'm looking for someone that won't confuse me with requirements for life like the four food groups and oxygen. I prefer to be wanted and not needed. If there is a gaping hole in your life and you think someone else is going to fill it, please go to the next profile. Ok, that was dull. How about a cheesey introduction: I was born 34 years ago on a sunny summer day and have managed to keep that sunshine with me ever since. I leap at the opportunity to excel at all that I do and anyone that doesn't do the same need not apply. ooooo...that was bad...

Now I bet you all are just itching to know: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED NEXT?

This post is already long enough. I'll have to answer that question later.

Now...I have some children to amuse, feed and wear out (naptime is just hours away, right?), a house to clean and some wonderful sunny weather to enjoy.

What are you up to this weekend?

Not the kind of BUZZ I'm used to.

Yesterday the kids discovered a very large and extremely active bees nest out in the back yard.

Today the lawn dude found a second hive near the foundation of the house.

Any hot tips for killing off the little darlings?

Truth be told

I have a secret, I have a secret, I have a secret...

And I intend to reveal it at some point this weekend.

Anyone wanna guess what it might be?

Bedroom wildlife

The kids & I are sitting on my bed watching bats flying around out back. My daughter refers to it as The Bat Show.

What are the odds that the hot guy in Batman Begins will show up after the kids retreat to their bedrooms?

Associations to the number three

A totally random list for no reason whatsover.

• In design you have to have at least 3 straight lines to close a shape made of straight lines.
  
  
• 3 Muskateers
  
  
• 3 Stooges
  
  
• "Third time's the charm"
  
  
• Threefold Law: what you put out into the universe comes back to you threefold.
  
  
• Three strikes and you're out.
  
  
• In romance - those three little words.
  
  
• Three power types: Power Over, Power With, Power Within
  
  
• Three wise men
  
  
• Three times of day: Morning, Noon and Night
  
  
• Also related to time: Past, present, future
  
  
• Three gifts of grace: Faith, Hope, Love
  
  
• Three Ratings: Low, Medium, High
  
  
• Three primary colors: Red, Yellow, Blue
  
  
• Three temperatures: cold, warm, hot
  
  
• Keypads for numbers (on phones, calculators and computer keyboards) are 3 rows across.
  
  
• Three names: First, Middle, Last
  
  
• Three age related milestones that kids look forward to: 16, 18, 21
  
  
• Three blind mice
  
  
• Goldlilocks and the 3 bears
  
  
• 3-D
  
  
• Bands with the word three in their name: Three Doors Down & Three Dog Night
  
  
• And...last but not least: three day weekends.

Can you add add anything to this list?

The Best of Kathy Howe :: Kids do the damndest things.

Keri reminded me of this post in a recent commment she left here. A great story...I plan to tell it at Boo Bear's wedding.

[Insert Witty Title Here]

It is not often that something happens in my world, something so significant that I do not even know where to begin at telling the story. So...I am going to start before the beginning which means WARNING: This could be a damn long post.

First let me introduce the cast of characters:

The first is me. I answer to the name Kathy Howe and frequently hold some tiny role in the stories of my life.

The second character is played by my darling 4 year old son. Frequently referred to as 'Boo Bear' I think it is safe to say he was the lead character today.

Next enter two dear and darling men that I have known and worked with for many years. Both are responsible for signing my paychecks for the work I do at one of their companies. Going forward we will refer to them as My CEO and My CFO.

First some history on My CEO and My CFO. When referred to jointly the reference for them is 'My Men'. I did not come up with that naming convention it was bestowed upon them by a female partner at the company that they own shares in. I frequently call into their corporate office looking for one or both of them. She is usually quick to tell me if My Men are in or out of the office at the moment. I think she is under the impression that I am somehow in charge of the boys. They sign my paychecks...I haven't received a raise lately...methinks I'm not in charge.

I digress...

While I consider both of My Men to be close personal friends they are, at the end of the day, still the people responsible for me receiving work from their company and seeing to it I get paid accordingly.

Earlier this week an ATTENDANCE REQUIRED meeting was scheduled by My CFO for himself, My CEO and I. It was scheduled for today and due to some scheduling snafus I was suddenly without daycare for Boo Bear at the time the meeting was to take place.

Knowing that this meeting was ATTENDANCE REQUIRED and that My Men are both dads, know Boo Bear and would not be the least bit put out by Boo Bears presence, I packed an extra bag of entertainment and snacks and headed off to my ATTENDANCE REQUIRED meeting.

My CEO found himself stuck in traffic so we made the decision to conference him into the call. The CFO brought in food so we went into the conference room where I placed my bags and Boo Bears bags at the end of the very long conference table. My CFO and I sat at the other end with the telephone between us.

Now, Boo Bear knows the Mommy Meeting Drill. It is this: No talking unless you are mommy. He has been to meetings with me before and he usually sits at the end of the table and draws pictures or eats a snack and occassionally sneaks into the laps of other attenddees.

Shyness is not in our genes.

This afternoon was no different. He drank a bottle of water and ate cheese and crackers, quietly amused by watching birds out the window. He eventually made way to one of his bags where he found a small pad of paper that he placed next to him.

After endlessly searching his bag for what I assumed was a writing utinsel he pointed at my purse. I nodded my head that he could go into by bag, again assuming he was after a pen.

I went back to the printed copy of the presentation before me, made some exceptionally brilliant comments and jotted a few notes when I glanced down at the end of the table.

Now. For those of you that do not know me let me paint you a picture:

I am 34 years old.

I weigh about 135 pounds.

I am around 5' 9".

I have been told that I have long legs.

Well...those legs had me from my end of the table to Boo Bears end faster than the speed of light.

When I glanced down the end of the table my darling Boo Bear was stacking my tampons as if they were fucking lincoln logs.

AAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

I have never in my life moved that fast.

Without saying a word I JUMPED down to the other end of the table and very quickly collected my thinnnnnnnngs into my bag. I think I moved so fast that My CFO didn't even catch what the hell was going on. Meanwhile My CEO was on the phone providing his feedback on slide 12 in the presentation.

He could have said it sucked ass...I have no clue what he said.

I was otherwise occuppied.

The end.

[exit stage left with purse firmly secured to shoulder and one eye on Boo Bear]

Baby, I was born to fly.

My hair is doing its own rendition of Farrah Fawcett ala Charlie's Angels these days. I look like I could take flight with these wings.

What was your hair born to do?

WWJCD (What Would June Cleaver Do)

This morning as I readied myself and two children for the day I sent my darling daughter out to the garage to fill the water dish we keep outside for the pets.

While she was out there I was inside carefully coordinating the pile of essentials that that I am required to keep with me during the day when I am out of the house.

And I do mean pile.

You just never know when you are going to need lipgloss instead of your usual shade of lipstick, or a toy monkey, or a mood ring, or chapstick in bery berry, or tampons even though you haven't had your period in damn near three years.

TMI?

As I completed my coordination efforts I yelled up the stairs for Boo to make tracks towards the sound of my voice and made my way to the garage door to place the carefully coordinated pile in The Notorious SUV. I opened the service door only to find my darling daughter, grinning ear to ear, with the worlds largest and slimiest looking frog on her shoulder.

I think she said something like "Look what I found!" but I can't be entirely sure because the instant I saw the frog eatting her shoulder off sitting on her, I simultaneously screamed and slammed the door in her face.

Like any good mother would do.

It didn't take her long to figure out the answer to her unasked question: No, we are NOT going to keep it.

How's your morning going?

Head, shoulders, knees and toes...

Tonight as my darling Boo readied himself for bed he shouted from his bedroom, "Hey mom! Gimme my money back! My jammy shorts have a POCKET in the front! I can put my money in there!"

My daughter, ever the investigator, went in to review just what in the hell he was talking about when Boo realized his hand went straight through the pocket.

"I don't think THAT is a pocket." my daughter said in her best "so what" voice as she rolled her eyes all the way back to her room.

Just then, Boo came walking out of his room to me with his hand thoroughly jammed into the front of his drawers all the way out the bottom and announced, "It isn't a good pocket but look! I can touch my knees!"

Pass the birthday bourbon and make it snappy.

The Best of Kathy Howe :: Birthday Edition

I posted this a couple of years ago on my birthday and as far as birthday posts go, this is probably my favorite:

Good-bye 32

Have you heard the word of a little bird? Maybe it was a buzzing sound? Did the Empress send you? If you haven't heard elsewhere, you can hear it here first:

Today I turn 33.

Birthdays to me are ho-hum whatever...another day. For me I don't love them or hate them but if it is someone else's birthday, look out...I'm busting out the cake and crazy straws and throwing a party.

So, today I turn another year older and I think yeah sure ok whatever.

But then I started thinking about my 32nd year and I have to pause for just a minute. It was a rather eventful year for me.

When I was 32 my husband moved out for the last time. I made the decision that I needed to stop saying "This is your last chance, I won't put up with this anymore" and seriously stop giving him more chances.

When I was 32 I was stalked both online and off. I learned the real meaning of fear when I was 32.

When I was 32 I crashed my truck after hanging up on my ex. Trying to avoid a heated argument, I should have been avoiding the patch of ice and the Ford Excursion in front of me. I spent 3 months in physical therapy recovering from the back injury.

When I was 32 I kissed a drag queen.

When I was 32 I played spin the bottle with a female stripper and lingerie model.

When I was 32 I got serious about taking control of my life.

When I was 32 I realized that I really like who I am. I didn't like me when I was married.

When I was 32 I realized I am, oftentimes, in the best company I can be in, when I am all alone.

When I was 32 I learned to be alone.

When I was 32 I made some really great new friends, reconnected with some long lost friends and dumped the shitty friends.

When I was 32 I learned how to breathe.

When I was 32 I learned that life is what you make of it.

When I was 32 I learned to talk less and do more.

When I was 32 I got serious about putting me first.

When I was 32 I rediscovered old hobbies.

When I was 32 I learned to meditate.

When I was 32 I had, hands down, the best date of my life.

When I was 32 I got and lost my highest paying job ever. I was glad to lose it.

When I was 32 I learned to slow down.

When I was 32 I discovered real magick.

When I was 32 I learned to downsize my life. Less really is more.

When I was 32 I changed in more ways for the better than I ever could have imagined.

Thanks 32...I'm looking forward to 33.

I expect this to make headlines faster than the Brad & Jennifer break-up.

Happy Birthday to me.

I figure since unexpected gifts have started rolling in it is high time to adopt the philosophy "beat 'em to the punch" and post my birthday announcement before everyone else does.

If tradition continues, the blog universe (guilty in 2003, Mr. Buzzstuff) is going to be exploding with clever headlines like:

They say it's her birthday.

and

Spank her, it's her birthday.

Today will be celebrated with conference calls for work and taking a sick boo bear to the doctor. After that festivities will include attempting to score a nap (see the anti-sleep night post) and figuring out what in the fuck to make for dinner.

I swear we just had dinner yesterday.

For the record, there are officially 35 candles on the cake and if I score a free five minutes I'll post a Best of Kathy Howe birthday post from a couple of years ago.

But first, a birthday shower which I expect will be interupted by a child flushing a toilet and someone asking if they can have cold pizza for breakfast.

(Oh, and really, people...gifts are very much appreciated but sooooooooo not necessary. Really, really.)

Good night, sweetheart *updated*

After the kids were tucked into bed I went downstairs to do some cleaning. As I walked back up the stairs, quite ready to tuck myself in I heard soft music. My daughter apparently found a classical radio station to tune her radio to.

It sounds wonderful.

I've decided to leave it on for the night. When both kids were little they were tucked in each night to a CD of lullabies done classically. When my son got to be about two years old he decided he didn't like that CD anymore & after a long & tiring search, and upteen sleepless nights, he eventually settled on a new CD, loaded with soothing flutes & nature sounds. I call it sleep crack. It is hands down the most relaxing CD I have ever heard.

So tonight windows are open, ceiling fans off & our white noise of the night is very soothing classical music.

Do you sleep with any noise in the background or do you prefer total silence?

*update*

I don't need sleep crack I need friggen head phones. At about 11:30 I woke up to the cat meowing out on the back porch. What? You wanna come IN? grrr. Then at 12:30 and 3:30 woke up to my sick Boo tossing and turning in his bed, hot from his fever. Calgon? Is that you here to take me away? No...oh, hi Murphy. You bastard.

*end update*

The Best of Kathy Howe. again

I have written a lot of posts on being single by design and my thoughts on relationships when kids are in the picture. The post below is probably one of my favorites on the subject.

If I were cheese I’d be Kraft Singles, Part II

If you have known me and/or read this blog for any period of time you probably know that I am in the process of getting a divorce – which is not something I actually blog much about. It is no giant secret however that I am presently single by design or on what I refer to as a dating hiatus.

In the first 6 months after my ex moved out I passively participated in the dating scene. Set up on many dates, asked out directly on a few, I went out and met some interesting men.

Somehow, this new life, this newfound freedom as an adult single woman out there free to start over with someone new didn’t leave me feeling all that satisfied. When I started thinking about my life I realized that in the past I had always been what I would define as ‘at my best’ when I was single.

It seemed odd to me that I had zero desire to date recreationally. It seemed significantly less than normal to the many people that I discussed it with. After considerable thought I declared myself on a dating hiatus. That was about a year and a half ago and so far I have no regrets.

Now, I’ll tell you why I don’t date and I’ll tell you some of my opinions on dating as a single parent. If you are reading this and happen to be a single parent that is doing something significantly different than what I am doing, rock fucking on with yer bad self. I wish you the best and do not condemn you for the decisions you make. I made the decision not to date because it feels like the right decision for me. You do what feels right for you.

Any questions?

First off, I don’t date because relationships are hard. New relationships are damn hard. They take a lot of time and energy. Time and energy that I quite honestly do not have right now. When I look at my day I know that I have two kids, a house, pets and a robust career to tend to. When the hell do I squeeze a new man into this? Relationships are about sacrifices and what in that list of kids, house, pets and career do you think I have the ability and/or desire to sacrifice?

Not one single thing on that list can require any less of my time than it gets right now. If I add a man to the mix something has to give.

All that I have to give is presently spoken for.

Which brings me to my second point...I do not believe that it is in the best interest of my kids to have them meet and interact with a bunch of strange men that I decide to date. A man does not have to see me one-on-one with my kids to figure out what kind of parent I might be. My kids do not need to form a one-on-one bond with someone I am not 100% convinced I have a significant future with. I believe very strongly that every break up a kid experiences between one of their parents and another adult is like experiencing their parents divorce all over again. If I ever meet someone that I feel like I will have around long term, they will know my children after 6-12 months of dating.

No sooner.

Besides, how in the hell can I make the determination that someone will be around long term before that point? The honeymoon stage of a new relationship if frightfully deceptive and far too forgiving. As adults we tend to put up with a lot of crap that in the long run, we decide not to put up with. We think the fact that he leaves his socks next to the couch is an inconvenience in the beginning. By the 6th month we wonder why it isn’t legal to kill a man for such an act. Time is the only true way to know if something is going to last long term. I do not do much of anything impulsively and waltzing men in and out of my children’s life sure as hell will not be one of my impulsive moves.

I have known The Boy for a good portion of my adult life. Much longer than I have known most everyone else that is not biologically related to me. My kids could not pick him out of a police line-up if they had to. They don’t talk to him on the phone, they don’t experience me getting sitters for them so I can spend time with him. They know him to be one of my best friends and without ever having one single experience of their own with him they think he is really great.

Why?

Because I think he is really great.

And if for whatever reason I do not ever talk to The Boy again, they will not miss their relationship with him.

Why?

Because they don’t have one with him.

I suspect The Boy and I will go to our graves as the best of friends and maybe one day my kids will get to know him. Right now my kids are far too young to be confused by our relationship. He and I both know plenty of adults that don’t understand our relationship, why on earth would I expect a 4 or 7 year old to understand it?

“Yellow: the color of fire, and the radiant energy of the sun. It represents happiness.”

When I went to Cleveland to visit with Stacey and Billy they got me the most kick ass hand-carved and hand-painted spoon. Painted brightly, it came complete with a great tag that I clipped and tacked to the wall next to my home computer. When they gave it to me I fell completely in love with it and the words that graced the tag – they probably thought I was crazy to get so excited over it but as I read it, I connected with the words…

“Red: the color of a ripe red apple and the life-giving fluid that flows through our veins. It represents love and spirit.”

“Blue: the color of the cool, clear sky or vast ocean. It represents tranquility.”

It has been a lot of years since I have felt this YELLOW, RED and BLUE.

Ever heard the phrase, “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it”?

It applies here. I feel really, really great about my life right now. I feel confident about my future, I enjoy my days, I can’t think of one single thing I would change.

You make changes in hopes of improving a situation. I did that when I filed for divorce and I’ll be damned…it worked! I see nothing else that needs to change right now.

Now, while we are talking about my dating hiatus I might as well tell you some of the requirements of a man that I would consider dating - if and when I ever decide to start dating:

1. Must be divorced with kids. Nobody can appreciate my divorced with kids situation that hasn’t been through it themselves.
2. Must be divorced – as in final. Not in the works or yet to come. Done...divorce must be done.
3. Must own a house, condo, townhouse. I don’t much care what they live in so long as they own it. Financial stability and responsibility rock my world.
4. Must be actively involved with their children’s school and extra-curricular activities. PTO dads are sexy.
5. Must not ever feel like they ‘need me’ or ‘cannot live without me’. I would be honored to add value to someone’s life, to make it somehow fuller and more satisfying but I am not a requirement for life. Do not confuse me with oxygen and the four food groups.

Ok, there is a bigger list than that but those are some of the biggies. I won’t bore you with the entire list.

And there you have it: random scattered thoughts on why I don’t date. Seriously it comes down to this:

I don’t feel like dating and I don’t miss having a man around.

End of story.

LiveStrong like you were dying.

Today at a social event I noticed an older & rather nice looking man across the room from me. He was wearing a Lance Armstrong LiveStrong bracelet which took his appeal to a higher level.

Then he lit a cigarette and it was all I could do not to walk across the room & rip Lance off his arm.

*scratches head*

The Best of Kathy Howe.

Yes, again.

I love love looooooooooooooooove ABC Rhymes, an idea I pirated from the delightful Ellemental. Not only do Elle and I share a love of ABC Rhymes, we also share an attraction to cows. I don't have a cow post for all ya'all though.

This is the first ABC Rhyme I ever did:

An ABC Day

A is for Apples being fed to the deer
B is for Bottles that once held my beer

C is for Cribs in which house-guest did sleep
D is for Diapers I am glad not to keep

E is for Elephant vitamins kids eat
F is for Fixing a faucet that leaks

G is for Going to see homes up for sale
H is for Having bread that is stale

I is for Ice cream that we'll put in our tums
J is for Jumping in puddles just for fun

K is for Kids, they really kick ass
L is for Looking for frogs in the grass

M is for Milk that the kids like to drink
N is for Noses, house-guest diapers do stink

O is for Open minds, which we like to use
P is for Peeing in potties, so huge!

Q is for Quiet time when all stayed awake
R is for Running across the grass near the lake

S is for Skipping while all holding hands
T is for Taking long walks round the bend

U is for Underneath carts in store aisles
V is for Very good times with the puzzles

W is for Wanting to play catch with the ball
X is for X, the potty-trained doll

Y is for Yellow the color of the sun
Z is for Z, the queen of good fun

Cat Scratch Fever

I just busted my daughter singing through her bedroom window to Monkey the Cat who was innocently minding his own business out in the driveway:

"Oh chunky Monkey, oh chunky Monkey...You smell so funky...Oh chunky Monkey"

Anyone know a good cat therapist?

Connect the dots

I love the concept of synchronicity:

Meaningful events which are by chance related to eachother by some notable similarity.

Jung defined synchronicity as "meaningful coincidence". I have a great book on the subject: There are no accidents: Synchronicity and the Stories of Our Lives, by Robert H. Hopcke.

While I was in Grand Marais I was able to tie together a series of events in my life that all circle back to my connection to my grandpa, the person this blog is dedicated to.

1. My grandma and grandpa live on the north shores of Lake Superior. I have spent my entire life visiting them on that lake and towns that dot it.

2. Kazoofus is a word that Grandpa coined and was used so frequently in my childhood I remember being stunned one day when I couldn't find it in the dictionary.

3. Shortly after Grandpa died I bought the Kazoofus.com domain name and started this site. A dedication to him, his amazing storytelling abilities and his influence on me in many areas of my life.

4. Over the years I have met many, many wonderful people through Kazoofus.com. Some I know online, some I have met face to face.

5. On August 3rd I met three fellow bloggers face to face. All three are people that I met through Kazoofus and for our meeting we gathered in a small town on the shores of Lake Superior.

The same lake that is connected to my memories of my Grandpa.

The person that coined the word Kazoofus.

The person that this site is dedicated too.

And if Grandpa hadn't coined the word Kazoofus...

...we may have never ever met.

There's an 11th useless fact.

Because 10 wasn't enough.

According to the last person I shared a bedroom with, there is an 11th useless fact about me that needs to be disclosed.

I am an incredibly quiet sleeper.

So quiet in fact, she contemplated checking my pulse at one point.

I found this to be shocking (and I bet my parents will too). I used to be a bit of a restless sleeper. My mom called me "The Kicker", my dad hated sharing a tent with me and I've heard rumors that I talk rather coherently in my sleep.

99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer...

What kind of sleeper are you?

The Best of Kathy Howe

I don't have the time or brain capacity to post anything new and stunning this week. Can you say "back to back friggen meetings every single day"? In the spirit of keeping you up to your eyeballs in pure drivel I have decided to do a Best Of Kathy Howe week and repost some of my favorite old Kazoofus posts.

This is definately one of my favorites:

10 totally true things about JJJJB:

1. He does one hell of an impersonation of Karen from Will and Grace

2. The first time he landed in jail was because of an outburst at his local Piggly Wiggly. He found out there was no alcohol in Root Beer. He was 12. His mom is still pissed.

3. He’s been known to quote Dr. Seuss at the office holiday party after one too many eggnogs.

4. For the past 10 years he has dressed up as Cher for Halloween.

5. He has a dog named “Biteme”. He enjoys yelling for the dog very loudly out the back door. Even when the dog is inside. This annoys his wife to no end.

6. He’s not too manly to wear pink. Check his briefs if you think I’m kidding.

7. He has more shoes than Imelda could ever HOPE to have.

8. Over the weekend he won the Zimbabwe lottery. He has an email from the Ambassador to Zimbabwe to prove it.

9. He was a jazz singer/dancer in a previous life. Don’t believe me? Shout 5, 6, 7, 8! the next time he is within earshot and watch him go.

10. When he was a child he had a reoccuring dream about the Church of Ass. It is all starting to make sense to him now.

What do YOU know about JJJB?

Spare change.

You know I'm sleepy when my post titles have el zippo to do with the post.

I need a favor from anyone that uses AIM to try sending me an IM at:

khowedotcom

Nice orderly line, no shoving, and can someone make sure Buzz doesn't give Keith a wedgie, please.

This post wouldn't exist if it weren't for Jen-o-rama.

I've just returned home from 7, yes SEVEN, days of traveling and I.am.pooped.

The first few days were work related travels to San Francisco then the weekend started early Wednesday with a trip to Grand Marais, MN with fellow bloggers from various states.

I saw Keri again and I met her fabulously funny friend Marge.

I was lucky enough to have dinner with Vicki and her husband and daughter.

And of course Jen and her honeymooning husband were there as well.

Last night at a rockabilly bar, Jenorama wrote the post below on a piece of paper and slid it across the table to me. Everything in [brackets] is a KathyHowe addition to what she wrote. Pictures will be posted to Flickr soon.

Kazoofus

1. Met Jen, Keri & Vicki & Marvelous Marge & Dereck [and Vicki's husband and daughter].

2. Jen and Dereck were late for everything [guess who's getting a watch with an alarm for Christmas].

3. Went shopping. [Went shopping. Went shopping. Went shopping. And can you believe after that, we went shopping again.]

4. Walked 4 [long, hot, sweaty, OMG are we there yet] miles. [Uphill both ways donchyaknow.]

5. Played [and lost] putt putt golf [because we hadn't had enough walking yet we thought walking a golf course was a good idea.]

6. Drank many beers. [But I totally refused the gag me shot o'booze that Captain Cutler made for me.]

7. Jen offended the local band. "You guys were really great except your name sucks...oh...that isn't your name? I've always loved Aerosmith." [Good christ...I have no words. Classic moment.]

8. Went out in a canoe. [Getting blown by the wind to the far (read: WRONG) side of the lake rocks. Paddling back against the wind: even better.]

You can quote me on that.

The other day out on Smoochdog I responded to a question about what I like best about blogging. My response:

"I get to meet people I wouldn't otherwise meet."

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Kazoofus has brought AMAZING people into my life. I may not get a lot of comments or hits like some blogs do, hell...I don't even track visitors anymore...but this site is a tremendous success as far as I'm concerned and it is all because of the new friendships that have formed as a result.

Whether you visit quietly or comment on my silly posts, thank you for being a part of the Kazoofus world.

I'm so glad you are here.

Ten Mostly Useless Facts About Moi:

1. I am the oldest sibling of three. My sister and I are only 14 months apart and we share oldest child/middle child characteristics. My brother is about 7 years younger. I frequently refer to him as "my brother the only child". The only boy in the family and so much younger than his other siblings....he was rather spoiled as a kid but not by his sisters.

2. Despite my knowledge of and interest in astrology, I'm not sure how much I believe in it but I don't disbelieve either. I think daily horoscopes tend to provide good general advice for life but I'm not sure how accurate they are. Leo horoscopes (my sign) talk a lot about romance. I've been screaming "WHAT ROMANCE!?!?!?" at computer for over two years now.

3. I love asking questions, getting to know people, sharing information...I think conversation in most any format is kewl. I used to teach charisma classes which was really fun and if I had the time I'd probably get back into it.

4. I don't believe in failure. Life is full of challenges and things do not always go as planned but that is not equivalent to failure. We only fail if we cannot pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and move forward having learned from the experience. Dwelling on the negatives in life is how I define failure and that is a choice people make not a sentence that they are handed.

5. I have a lot of ideas, beliefs and theories on life topics. I've always considered myself opinionated but other people say that I'm philosophical. You'll have to draw your own conclusions on that one.

6. I love Dilbert and I'm quite certain that Scott Adams is stalking me.

7. One of the reasons I started Kazoofus was to get my mom off my back about writing a book someday. It worked.

8. If I didn't have kids to feed I'd live off of cheese and crackers and bowls of cold cereal.

9. I'm not a big shopper. Stores like Target and Marshall Fields are for necessities as far as I'm concerned. The shopping I enjoy is kitschy little shops like what you find in Uptown Minneapolis or Stillwater, MN. That said, I'm more of a window shopper than a buyer.

10. Dr. Pepper over Coca-Cola and Pepsi trumps them both.