The Best of Kathy Howe. again
I have written a lot of posts on being single by design and my thoughts on relationships when kids are in the picture. The post below is probably one of my favorites on the subject.
If I were cheese I’d be Kraft Singles, Part II
If you have known me and/or read this blog for any period of time you probably know that I am in the process of getting a divorce – which is not something I actually blog much about. It is no giant secret however that I am presently single by design or on what I refer to as a dating hiatus.
In the first 6 months after my ex moved out I passively participated in the dating scene. Set up on many dates, asked out directly on a few, I went out and met some interesting men.
Somehow, this new life, this newfound freedom as an adult single woman out there free to start over with someone new didn’t leave me feeling all that satisfied. When I started thinking about my life I realized that in the past I had always been what I would define as ‘at my best’ when I was single.
It seemed odd to me that I had zero desire to date recreationally. It seemed significantly less than normal to the many people that I discussed it with. After considerable thought I declared myself on a dating hiatus. That was about a year and a half ago and so far I have no regrets.
Now, I’ll tell you why I don’t date and I’ll tell you some of my opinions on dating as a single parent. If you are reading this and happen to be a single parent that is doing something significantly different than what I am doing, rock fucking on with yer bad self. I wish you the best and do not condemn you for the decisions you make. I made the decision not to date because it feels like the right decision for me. You do what feels right for you.
Any questions?
First off, I don’t date because relationships are hard. New relationships are damn hard. They take a lot of time and energy. Time and energy that I quite honestly do not have right now. When I look at my day I know that I have two kids, a house, pets and a robust career to tend to. When the hell do I squeeze a new man into this? Relationships are about sacrifices and what in that list of kids, house, pets and career do you think I have the ability and/or desire to sacrifice?
Not one single thing on that list can require any less of my time than it gets right now. If I add a man to the mix something has to give.
All that I have to give is presently spoken for.
Which brings me to my second point...I do not believe that it is in the best interest of my kids to have them meet and interact with a bunch of strange men that I decide to date. A man does not have to see me one-on-one with my kids to figure out what kind of parent I might be. My kids do not need to form a one-on-one bond with someone I am not 100% convinced I have a significant future with. I believe very strongly that every break up a kid experiences between one of their parents and another adult is like experiencing their parents divorce all over again. If I ever meet someone that I feel like I will have around long term, they will know my children after 6-12 months of dating.
No sooner.
Besides, how in the hell can I make the determination that someone will be around long term before that point? The honeymoon stage of a new relationship if frightfully deceptive and far too forgiving. As adults we tend to put up with a lot of crap that in the long run, we decide not to put up with. We think the fact that he leaves his socks next to the couch is an inconvenience in the beginning. By the 6th month we wonder why it isn’t legal to kill a man for such an act. Time is the only true way to know if something is going to last long term. I do not do much of anything impulsively and waltzing men in and out of my children’s life sure as hell will not be one of my impulsive moves.
I have known The Boy for a good portion of my adult life. Much longer than I have known most everyone else that is not biologically related to me. My kids could not pick him out of a police line-up if they had to. They don’t talk to him on the phone, they don’t experience me getting sitters for them so I can spend time with him. They know him to be one of my best friends and without ever having one single experience of their own with him they think he is really great.
Why?
Because I think he is really great.
And if for whatever reason I do not ever talk to The Boy again, they will not miss their relationship with him.
Why?
Because they don’t have one with him.
I suspect The Boy and I will go to our graves as the best of friends and maybe one day my kids will get to know him. Right now my kids are far too young to be confused by our relationship. He and I both know plenty of adults that don’t understand our relationship, why on earth would I expect a 4 or 7 year old to understand it?
“Yellow: the color of fire, and the radiant energy of the sun. It represents happiness.”
When I went to Cleveland to visit with Stacey and Billy they got me the most kick ass hand-carved and hand-painted spoon. Painted brightly, it came complete with a great tag that I clipped and tacked to the wall next to my home computer. When they gave it to me I fell completely in love with it and the words that graced the tag – they probably thought I was crazy to get so excited over it but as I read it, I connected with the words…
“Red: the color of a ripe red apple and the life-giving fluid that flows through our veins. It represents love and spirit.”
“Blue: the color of the cool, clear sky or vast ocean. It represents tranquility.”
It has been a lot of years since I have felt this YELLOW, RED and BLUE.
Ever heard the phrase, “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it”?
It applies here. I feel really, really great about my life right now. I feel confident about my future, I enjoy my days, I can’t think of one single thing I would change.
You make changes in hopes of improving a situation. I did that when I filed for divorce and I’ll be damned…it worked! I see nothing else that needs to change right now.
Now, while we are talking about my dating hiatus I might as well tell you some of the requirements of a man that I would consider dating - if and when I ever decide to start dating:
1. Must be divorced with kids. Nobody can appreciate my divorced with kids situation that hasn’t been through it themselves.
2. Must be divorced – as in final. Not in the works or yet to come. Done...divorce must be done.
3. Must own a house, condo, townhouse. I don’t much care what they live in so long as they own it. Financial stability and responsibility rock my world.
4. Must be actively involved with their children’s school and extra-curricular activities. PTO dads are sexy.
5. Must not ever feel like they ‘need me’ or ‘cannot live without me’. I would be honored to add value to someone’s life, to make it somehow fuller and more satisfying but I am not a requirement for life. Do not confuse me with oxygen and the four food groups.
Ok, there is a bigger list than that but those are some of the biggies. I won’t bore you with the entire list.
And there you have it: random scattered thoughts on why I don’t date. Seriously it comes down to this:
I don’t feel like dating and I don’t miss having a man around.
End of story.
If I were cheese I’d be Kraft Singles, Part II
If you have known me and/or read this blog for any period of time you probably know that I am in the process of getting a divorce – which is not something I actually blog much about. It is no giant secret however that I am presently single by design or on what I refer to as a dating hiatus.
In the first 6 months after my ex moved out I passively participated in the dating scene. Set up on many dates, asked out directly on a few, I went out and met some interesting men.
Somehow, this new life, this newfound freedom as an adult single woman out there free to start over with someone new didn’t leave me feeling all that satisfied. When I started thinking about my life I realized that in the past I had always been what I would define as ‘at my best’ when I was single.
It seemed odd to me that I had zero desire to date recreationally. It seemed significantly less than normal to the many people that I discussed it with. After considerable thought I declared myself on a dating hiatus. That was about a year and a half ago and so far I have no regrets.
Now, I’ll tell you why I don’t date and I’ll tell you some of my opinions on dating as a single parent. If you are reading this and happen to be a single parent that is doing something significantly different than what I am doing, rock fucking on with yer bad self. I wish you the best and do not condemn you for the decisions you make. I made the decision not to date because it feels like the right decision for me. You do what feels right for you.
Any questions?
First off, I don’t date because relationships are hard. New relationships are damn hard. They take a lot of time and energy. Time and energy that I quite honestly do not have right now. When I look at my day I know that I have two kids, a house, pets and a robust career to tend to. When the hell do I squeeze a new man into this? Relationships are about sacrifices and what in that list of kids, house, pets and career do you think I have the ability and/or desire to sacrifice?
Not one single thing on that list can require any less of my time than it gets right now. If I add a man to the mix something has to give.
All that I have to give is presently spoken for.
Which brings me to my second point...I do not believe that it is in the best interest of my kids to have them meet and interact with a bunch of strange men that I decide to date. A man does not have to see me one-on-one with my kids to figure out what kind of parent I might be. My kids do not need to form a one-on-one bond with someone I am not 100% convinced I have a significant future with. I believe very strongly that every break up a kid experiences between one of their parents and another adult is like experiencing their parents divorce all over again. If I ever meet someone that I feel like I will have around long term, they will know my children after 6-12 months of dating.
No sooner.
Besides, how in the hell can I make the determination that someone will be around long term before that point? The honeymoon stage of a new relationship if frightfully deceptive and far too forgiving. As adults we tend to put up with a lot of crap that in the long run, we decide not to put up with. We think the fact that he leaves his socks next to the couch is an inconvenience in the beginning. By the 6th month we wonder why it isn’t legal to kill a man for such an act. Time is the only true way to know if something is going to last long term. I do not do much of anything impulsively and waltzing men in and out of my children’s life sure as hell will not be one of my impulsive moves.
I have known The Boy for a good portion of my adult life. Much longer than I have known most everyone else that is not biologically related to me. My kids could not pick him out of a police line-up if they had to. They don’t talk to him on the phone, they don’t experience me getting sitters for them so I can spend time with him. They know him to be one of my best friends and without ever having one single experience of their own with him they think he is really great.
Why?
Because I think he is really great.
And if for whatever reason I do not ever talk to The Boy again, they will not miss their relationship with him.
Why?
Because they don’t have one with him.
I suspect The Boy and I will go to our graves as the best of friends and maybe one day my kids will get to know him. Right now my kids are far too young to be confused by our relationship. He and I both know plenty of adults that don’t understand our relationship, why on earth would I expect a 4 or 7 year old to understand it?
“Yellow: the color of fire, and the radiant energy of the sun. It represents happiness.”
When I went to Cleveland to visit with Stacey and Billy they got me the most kick ass hand-carved and hand-painted spoon. Painted brightly, it came complete with a great tag that I clipped and tacked to the wall next to my home computer. When they gave it to me I fell completely in love with it and the words that graced the tag – they probably thought I was crazy to get so excited over it but as I read it, I connected with the words…
“Red: the color of a ripe red apple and the life-giving fluid that flows through our veins. It represents love and spirit.”
“Blue: the color of the cool, clear sky or vast ocean. It represents tranquility.”
It has been a lot of years since I have felt this YELLOW, RED and BLUE.
Ever heard the phrase, “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it”?
It applies here. I feel really, really great about my life right now. I feel confident about my future, I enjoy my days, I can’t think of one single thing I would change.
You make changes in hopes of improving a situation. I did that when I filed for divorce and I’ll be damned…it worked! I see nothing else that needs to change right now.
Now, while we are talking about my dating hiatus I might as well tell you some of the requirements of a man that I would consider dating - if and when I ever decide to start dating:
1. Must be divorced with kids. Nobody can appreciate my divorced with kids situation that hasn’t been through it themselves.
2. Must be divorced – as in final. Not in the works or yet to come. Done...divorce must be done.
3. Must own a house, condo, townhouse. I don’t much care what they live in so long as they own it. Financial stability and responsibility rock my world.
4. Must be actively involved with their children’s school and extra-curricular activities. PTO dads are sexy.
5. Must not ever feel like they ‘need me’ or ‘cannot live without me’. I would be honored to add value to someone’s life, to make it somehow fuller and more satisfying but I am not a requirement for life. Do not confuse me with oxygen and the four food groups.
Ok, there is a bigger list than that but those are some of the biggies. I won’t bore you with the entire list.
And there you have it: random scattered thoughts on why I don’t date. Seriously it comes down to this:
I don’t feel like dating and I don’t miss having a man around.
End of story.
6 Comments:
The hell you aren't a food group! Next you're going to tell me that chocolate isn't, either. And then I'll be upset.
Can I just say that it's even more fun reading The Thoughts of KathyHowe when I know how you talk, and when I can "hear" your voice saying all of it?
I believe all sdwk women should print this and keep it by their bedside to read on occasion. It's filled with so many smarts.
Oh. What did the yellow part say?
AMEN!
You know, especially after grilling you about this in Grand Marais, it makes complete sense to me.
As you know- I lucked out and found the one with that list and more (he not only owned a nice house- he kept it clean! Plus, he was caring for an elderly parent. Very very sexy stuff). But it took 15 years of not looking and paying attention to my children and getting them almost out the door. And now, as my wild child is departing, I am so VERY glad I found him. (Actually, he found me.) But I know what you mean. And I believe it to be sound thinking.
How's life otherwise? I'm missing you...
That's amazing. I love your thought process. I would do the same thing if I was in your shoes. Wouldn't change a thing (except maybe the inches in the heels!)
Post a Comment
<< Home