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Making introductions

Remind me to introduce all ya'all to my ring named NEL at some point.

Not
Even
Looking

I think the last time I wrote about NEL was several years ago so she may be familiar to some of my readers. She comes with a fairly good and always evolving story.

Say "hello" NEL...

And the people's choice is...

Turns out I won the "Good Ho" category over at ColaGrl's site.

I'd like to thank the god and the academy and good ho inspirations everywhere...

My boyfriend...errrr, I mean Treo is bringing you this message

Moms ROCK.

I mean they reeeeeaaaalllly ROCK.

And that ain't Mama KathyHowe talkin' either.

I'm not biased on the subject at all.

I'd tell ya if mom's sucked.

But they don't.

They ROCK.

Which makes me think it is pretty damn cool that I have two of 'em.

*Kiss yer mama*

I just got the memo. *UPDATED*

I just got the memo that today is De-lurking Day which means if you are reading this you have to comment or Bush will get re-elected.

Or something like that.

The official rules are here.

Save the country and leave a comment.

The future of our children's children's children depends on it.

UPDATE: I heard a rumor that if you don't comment your favorite football team will never make it to the SuperBowl.

EVER.

GO TEAM GO!

*kicks carpet shampooer*

Literally.

OMFG.

Ouch.Ouch.Ouch.Ouch.Ouch.

Just ask Christopher Columbus

"No one has ever found a new world by worrying about it."

From Journey Into Healing: Awakening the Wisdom Within You, by Deepak Chopra.

Survivor: The Slumber Party Series

Kids are running, jumping & singing through the house. My dad is sick & sleeping on my couch. I'd trade prize money for a nap right now and it's only 10 a.m.

Can I vote myself off the island?

Since I didn't go to hell for the porn/Mary Poppins meme I thought I'd tempt fate once again.

What were you doing 10 years ago?
January 1996:
Probably having sex. In about March of 1996 I became pregnant with Sissy Bear. From March on I was probably kicking my husbands ass for having sex with me in January.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Getting ready for another round of divorce court.

Five snacks I enjoy:
1. Oreo cookies
2. Popcorn
3. Apple slices dipped in carmel sauce
4. Cheese and crackers although this is often more of a meal than a snack when the kids are gone.
5. Whatever is in the candy dish

Five songs to which I know all the lyrics:
1. Pour Some Sugar On Me - Def Leppard
2. Like a Rhinestone Cowboy - Glen Campbell
3. Delta Dawn - Tanya Tucker
4. I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor
5. Kiss You All Over - Dr. Hook

Five things I would do if I were a millionaire:
1. Pay off my attorney.
2. Hire someone to paint my house.
3. Sue someone for something completely frivilous even though my chances of winning would be nill. There must be a thrill in this that I am unaware of because people sure like suing me and losing.
4. Hang with The Donald.
5. Buy a Hummer. What? Shut up. It's my million.

Five bad habits:
1. Breaking up with men that love me madly. I'm really working hard on breaking this one.
2. Rolling my eyes at people when they say stupid shit. I have got to learn to be less obvious.
3. Eatting cheese and crackers in bed.
4. Carrying too much unnecessary stuff in my daily bags. It's killing my back.
5. Spending my kidless weekends holed up in my house. I fear I am turning into a hermit.

Five things I like doing:
1. Singing in the rain. Listening to the rain fall outside my bedroom window.
2. Playing games with the kids.
3. Cleaning my garage.
4. Writing. This includes journaling and blogging which are not one and the same in my book.
5. Taking snapshots of the kids.

Five things I would never wear, buy or get new again:
1. A husband. As A Diva once told me, they are too expensive to return. She cracks me up.
2. Those stupid flip-floppy high heeled shoes that I had. Remember those? They earned me a trip to the doctors office, pain meds and an order to be on bedrest for 48 hours with my foot elevated. *stoopid shoes*
3. I really don't see perfume in my future.
4. A pack of cigarettes. Good ridance to that nasty habit!
5. A Datsun. Worst damn car I ever owned and I don't care that it only cost me $50. It wasn't even worth that.

Five favorite toys:
1. Palm Treo. Thank you, Jesus.
2. My laptop.
3. My kids. Damn they are fun to play with.
4. Mr. Incredible. *coughs*shutup*coughs*
5. My digital camera

And that, my friends, concludes the Meme here on Kazoofus. There's something about rotating blogs in a list at Colagrl's site but I'm skipping that part. I'm also not tagging anyone. You can put on your "surprised" face now.

Dear God,

I know that it has been a long time since I sent anything up your flagpole but I wanted to take a second to write you a quick note. Now I realize that hearing from me is probably a bit odd since I am not super Catholic. Not willing to invest my hard earned money in the house of God only to be told I'm a sinner. Not super attached to your writing. OK, I totally lost my train of thought on that one.

Anyhoo, I just wanted to take a quick second to thank you for people like Dell who reminded me today that Dancing with the Stars is on tonight. It's actually the two hour season PREMIER, baby!

I am so damn jazzed.

So, thank you for sending Dell into my life to give me these important reminders and thank you for putting the fear of you, yourself and you into network executives so we can actually HAVE one good goddamn show on television.

Thanks muchly,
Kathy Howe

P.S. Please be a dear and hold my calls between seven and nine o'clock p.m. central time.

Rude Tuna

I know that all cooking advice coming from me probably seems laughable even if the cooking doesn't include anything more than a HIGH setting on a microwave but you MUST, and I mean MUST heed this warning:

If you ever mistakenly take a dish of tuna mixed with mayonaisse to the office thinking that it is your left over pasta & chicken alfredo and IF you mistakenly put that dish of tuna into the office microwave and set aforementioned microwave to ohhhhhhh...I dunno...lets say HIGH for 60 seconds you will no doubt end up with

RUDE.
TUNA.

If you never believe another word I say...

Nekkid Pagan Grrrrlz

I know that my loyal readers never miss a KathyHowe post so you are all familiar with my Yule time yammering in December.

I'm sure the in's and outs of how we celebrate Yule in my house are burned in your brains. I'm willing to bet small bills that you retained every bit of information about how we incorporate Mistletoe into the fun. I know you all remember both of my letters to Santa too.

But what you haven't seen is photographic evidence of a Yule gathering and my girl Keri has the goods.

*bow*chica*bow*bow*

Dear Universe, I hear you. Really. I do.

I just found this New Year's prayer over on KathyK's site and thought I'd share.

God, help me to accept in faith all the new things You have for me in this New Year. Help me release past events, memories and happenings that are holding me back and help me embrace all You have for me in the future.

Amen.

And I totally know how to make 3-cheese potatoes!

I just got a VERY excited phone call from Mr. Incredible letting me know that he got the new job that he was after.

It is an AWESOME opportunity in every conceivable way and he is equally excited that it will require him to relocate to California - a state he has wanted to live in for quite some time now.

I am THRILLED that he is getting out of stupid, dusty, hot, dry Arizona.

110 degrees is grossly hot, people and as much as I enjoyed spending time with him in Arizona my enjoyment came from HIM not the state because the state is hid.eee.ous.

Arizona does NOTHING for me canyatell?

Anyhoo, as I was saying I am tickled pink for him but me and my wallet just wandered out to the information super highway to price shop airfare to California and it is MORE expensive to fly there than to that hid.eee.ous state he lives in now. I can't say I'm surprised. Arizona sucks so I suppose they have to price tickets there cheap to trick people into going and if that is the airline pricing philosophy...

For your next gig think Boise, Idaho babe.

mmmmmmm...spuds...

*kicks astrology*

LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22): Exploring possibilities about your feelings will require you to remain open. As easy as it may be to take a judgmental attitude, narrow-minded thinking will not be of value to you now. You can get so caught up in practical logic that doesn't lead anywhere productive. Set aside your old rules so your emotions can flow toward love and away from fear.

Deja Meme Vu

I swear I already did this meme but I'm going to do it again THEN I'm going to search the archives and link to the original that I did at the bottom of this post just to compare my then and now answers.

How's THAT for a run on sentence?

The Damn You Meeta Meme

I mean...The Seven Meme:

Seven Things I Want To Do Before I Die

1. Have a relationship with a man that lasts more than 6 weeks.
2. Memorize the lyrics (again) to "My Ding-A-Ling".
3. Pay off my attorney. This will of course require my ex's attorney to stop dragging me back to court every three months. Divorce is fun. Wheeeeeeee!!!!
4. Figure out a way to get my holiday tree out of my house without having to actually do it myself. Dad?
5. Tell Billy to "bite me". Why put off till tomorrow...
6. Write a long rambling post about Mr. Incredible. I don't feel like I have done him justice here.
7. Oil my damn office chair. Every move I make sounds like a fart. It's getting annoying.


Seven Things I Cannot Do

1. Keep my feelings bottled up.
2. Go more than a few hours without laughing.
3. Flips, backbends and other bendy tricks.
4. Sleep in my own bed without my yellow blanket.
5. Stop analyzing everything!
6. Wear perfume. Nothing smells so good to me that I want to wear it for 12 hours straight.
7. Stop blogging. I've tried and it's just now ever going to happen. I'm OK with that though.

Seven Things I Admire In My Spouse/Best Friend(s)

1. The Boy's ability to make me laugh outloud even when I'm in the middle of sobbing my ass off.
2. Denise's ability to always be the tiny voice inside my head.
3. Cindi's love of life.
4. Denise's work ethic - personally and professionally she does everything with passion.
5. Cindi's calm, cool and collected nature.
6. The Boy's ability to know when I need solutions and ideas versus when I just need to be heard.
7. Denise's sense of loyalty and commitment. Wait a minute - Cindi and The Boy have that too.

Seven Things I Say Most Often

1. Keep your hands to yourself!
2. Whose socks are on the kitchen table?
3. Who's bag of candy is this?
4. Kiss yer mama!!!!
5. Thank you.
6. SMACKDOWN!
7. What is a poop puncher?

Seven Books or Series Authors I Love

1. Anything by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
2. Dr. Seuss, The Lorax. Anything Dr. Seuss actually.
3. The Art of Living: The Classic Manual on Virtue, Happiness and Effectiveness by Sharon Lebell / Epictetus
4. Remembering Well: Rituals for Celebrating Life and Mourning Death, by Sarah York
5. Is Dilbert a series?
6. What about Calvin and Hobbes?
7. The dictionary.

Seven Movies I Would Watch Over and Over Again

1. Tommy Boy
2. Bill Cosby, Himself
3. Practical Magic
4. What the Bleep
5. (This is hard. Have I SEEN 7 movies?) Porn. (Sorry mom)
6. Mary Poppins (can I go to hell for listing this and porn in the same list? We'll see I guess).
7. OSHA safety/work hazard training videos. (Desperation has hit this list).

Seven Songs I Can’t Get Enough Of (I am leaving Meeta's first two songs because I have been listening to both of those a lot lately)

1. Fumbling Towards Ecstacy - Sarah McLachlan
2. No Ordinary Love- Sade
3. All I want for Christas is You - Mariah Carey
4. Come a Little Closer - Dierks Bentley
5. Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond
6. I Won't Dance - Frank Sinatra
7. Kiss You All Over - Dr. Hook

Seven People I Tag With This Meme because I know they either lurk here or I like them so much they're getting tagged.

1. I don't tag people for meme's so if you want to play let me know.

As promised - here is the original post. The questions are slightly different.

Shake yer money maker

I'm sorry but all ya'all are missing out on the Big & Rich dance party in my living room right now.

*Touch the floor!*

I hate it when this shit is right on.

LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22): You may be somewhat confused about relationships, both romantic and business. You cannot find the clarity you need to really understand what's going on. On one hand, you are too serious and it's difficult to loosen up enough to enjoy yourself. On the other hand, you luxuriate now in the far reaches of your fantasies. Make these two sides work together to balance your life.

God rest ye merry gentlemen

I don't know why this just popped in my head - oh wait - yes I do. Because I have spent the last few weeks really thinking deeply about my thoughts on romantic relationships.

I think a mandatory element in all relationships is that they must bring you comfort and joy.

Who knew romance logic could come from a Christmas song?

As you were...

And this is how I know they are their father's.

Boo just asked me for a "poop puncher".

He meant to say "plunger".

I hope this isn't tied to the earlier problem.

That's how I know they're mine

I just heard the kids walking down the stairs towards the living room. The girl child said to the boy child:

"This is not a big problem. We just need to find the right solution."

This better not involve kook-aid on my carpet.

I don't like it, I LOVE IT!

I just found this over at Diva's website and I absolutely could not resist sharing the goodness.

The purpose of partnership is to create something greater than we can create alone. Not because of any deficiency or incompleteness in us, but because each of us is unique, with our own talents and abilities, and in partnership we increase the efforts and talents available for creating something meaningful together. All partnerships, whether romantic, creative, or professionally-based, can be powerful relationships for personal growth. In partnership we harness the power of union.

It is important to choose our partnerships consciously. Sometimes forged quickly during times of need, we may find ourselves rushing into unions with perhaps not the clearest intentions. Partnerships created from those starting point might serve our immediate needs, but the repercussions of a union so quickly fostered without much thought can be difficult to recover from. Granted, there is something to learn from every relationship, but looking to another to fix or complete us can turn a partnership into a dependent bond. If we can stay clear about what we want and what we need in a partnership, while staying grounded and remembering that we are our own source of happiness and fulfillment, we can create partnerships that support and enhance the best of who we are.

Everyone in our lives is a mirror reflecting back the parts we love and dislike about ourselves. If we have the courage to recognize our reflections in each other, we can grow through our partnerships. A partnership that offers both acceptance of who we are and an opportunity for personal transformation can be fertile ground for growing a healthy, lasting union. When we find this kind of partnership, we are more likely to want to keep it, invest in it, and nurture it.

Life is a collaborative effort. Much of what we do can be enhanced through partnership. Together we are stronger because our personal power is multiplied by two. Through partnership we experience the joys of working, living, and loving together.

The second time around I'm going to marry my mother.

I've heard it said that the people we choose to marry tend to resemble our parents in one way or another. I've decided my next husband is going to remind me of my mother.

Mom, you see, is a fantastic cook. Above and beyond making fabulous meals she can also bake like nobody I know. Growing up she would occassionally delight us with her sweet treats but usually whatever she baked was a chocolate chip cookie look alike that was really loaded with vitamins raisens and other healthy crap.

Blech.

Now though, now that her hungry sweet-toothed children are grown and living elsewhere, she doesn't bake fake goodies she bakes the real deal now.

REAL chocolate chip cookies, people.

Heaven. Pure heaven.

Over the holidays she sent me home with 20 different varieties of cookies that she baked in her spare time.

You know, between her full-time job and her part-time job.

I learned at a young and delicate age to bite cautiously into anything appearing to be a sweet treat from my mother knowing that there was a good chance that it was laced with something good for me.

Today I had something that was disguised as a Rice Krispy Bar but its shape was more round than square. I have been leary of that one, inpecting it often to determine what she might be trying to trick me with.

Perhaps there is an apple in the middle.

Today I felt brave and bit into the treat. I don't know exactly what I ate but I would like to place an order for 20 more of those, please.

YUM.

Maybe I'll skip getting married and just move back home with mum.

I'm starting the New Year with a bang buzz.

I woke up this morning and thought this would be a perfect day to clean every inch of woodwork on the second floor with lemon scented wood cleaner. Tables, dressers, trim, doors, you name it if it is wood it has been cleaned.

Even the wooden coasters got a squirt.

Well hindsight is 20/20 50/50 par for the course...

...what the hell was I talking about?

Perhaps next time I'll crack a window.

This is the first morning of the rest of your year.

I woke up this morning and was a bit disappointed that my most profound New Years morning thought was that I wanted to get up and brush my teeth. Eatting cheese and crackers before bed leaves a stale taste in ones mouth.

Just so yaknow.

Now gather around, kids. I want to tell you a story.

I used to work with someone that was one of those people that lit up a room. She made me look like a wallflower.

She laughed outloud and often. Her laugh was contagious. She spoke with a smile on her face and she was exciting to be around. She was passionate about her work and the people she worked with. She had a heart as big as the world and she was loved, greatly loved, by everyone that knew her.

I only crossed paths with her, I can't say that I really knew her personally. I mostly knew of her. She lived in another state - I never met her face to face but from time to time we would be on the same conference calls together. Despite the distance, I knew without a doubt that she was one of those bright shiney people that lived and loved every second of her life.

Over the summer, at the age of 45, she got married for the first time. She and her new hubby took a month long honeymoon to someplace sunny and fabulous. They entertained frequently and from what I was told they had a beautiful home and an amazing garden wedding.

She passed away in her sleep unexpectedly on December 23rd.

I didn't know her personally but I know without a doubt that woman LIVED every second of her life with joy on the inside and on the outside. She was overflowing with life. When I heard she died my heart sank. She was someone that not only had it all - emotionally, financially, spiritually, relationships, all of it - she also appreciated it all and LOVED it all.

She was ridiculously happy.

In 2006 - I want to live. Really live.

Like Sue did.