Staring at a blank white page.
I have been sitting in my desk chair staring at an empty page for at least five minutes. I have so many thoughts running through my head, so many things I want to tell you but I haven't figured out the starting point of all of this. Usually the beginning works but I'm not sure where all of this starts.
There is something that I believe to be true and that is the theory that like attracts like. Whoever I choose to be influences the type of people that end up in my life stories.
I remember many years ago reading "The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer for the first time. At the point of that first reading I had recently made the decision that enough was enough - my marriage needed to end - but at the same time, while I knew in my heart of hearts that this was the absolutely right thing to do, I was breaking a promise. Breaking promises doesn't happen easily for me and I was about to break the promise of my wedding vows.
In good times and bad.
Until
death
do
us
part.
I spent a lot of time trying to rationalize the rightness of my decision to end the marriage. I knew it needed to be done, not just for me but for everyone involved it was the right thing to do. But I also knew that my sense of commitment runs deep through my veins. It is a strong part of my identity. I felt like in breaking my vows I had given up a piece of my identity.
I had to make peace with the fact that I was breaking a lifelong commitment I had made. This proved hard to do.
When I read "The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, specifically the passage below, I had an AHA! moment.
"I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy."
That passage hit the heart of what I had been struggling with. I remember starting to cry and crying so hard with just the first sentence that I struggled to finish the passage.
My answer to that passage was yes.
I absolutely CAN disspoint another to be true to myself. In fact it isn't just that I can, I had reached a point where I knew I had to. I was not dead but I was dying inside. I had betrayed my own soul for way too long and I needed to reclaim who I was supposed to be.
Compose self, dab eyes, fix make-up, go forward...
Once I grasped the concept of like attracts like, once I made peace with the idea that I was being faithful to myself and had not become disloyal, I began thinking about who I wanted to really be.
I felt like I was suddenly very much in control of more than just my future - I was in control of my NOW. I dubbed myself the creator of my immediate destiny and assigned myself sole responsibility for everything that would happen in my life from that point forward. I also decided that I would not spend a lot of time sitting idle assessing what I wanted my life to look like. I would assess and act simultaneously.
I knew that I only wanted to spend time with people that enhanced me. People that brought out the best of who I was. People that would share my optimism and sense of fun. People who could and would laugh until their cheeks hurt and knew how to fully enjoy all the wonderfulness of a day to day life. I wanted people that could see that having more was not a materialistic thing but instead having more meant having more love and laughter and happiness than they ever imagined possible. I wanted people that were not on a constant mission for bigger or better or best. I would find people that were tickled to have everything they already had and grateful for every opportunity. I wanted people that sought wisdom and would view their wounds as lessons learned along the way.
The update to all of this, is that I was right dammit. Like does attract like and once I started being who I wanted to be I started to attract more people with those same qualities into my circle.
I also found that Oriah was right and that being faithful to myself began to quickly pay off. In being true to myself I found myself. I rediscovered a lost piece of me and have been repaid by that discovery over and over again in recent years.
I used to always say that the best time of my life was when I moved out to the east coast after high school. Now I say that was ONE OF the best times of my life.
The best time of my life is now. Today. Right here. Where I am at this very moment. This is the best.
And I sincerely hope that you can say the same.
There is something that I believe to be true and that is the theory that like attracts like. Whoever I choose to be influences the type of people that end up in my life stories.
I remember many years ago reading "The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer for the first time. At the point of that first reading I had recently made the decision that enough was enough - my marriage needed to end - but at the same time, while I knew in my heart of hearts that this was the absolutely right thing to do, I was breaking a promise. Breaking promises doesn't happen easily for me and I was about to break the promise of my wedding vows.
In good times and bad.
Until
death
do
us
part.
I spent a lot of time trying to rationalize the rightness of my decision to end the marriage. I knew it needed to be done, not just for me but for everyone involved it was the right thing to do. But I also knew that my sense of commitment runs deep through my veins. It is a strong part of my identity. I felt like in breaking my vows I had given up a piece of my identity.
I had to make peace with the fact that I was breaking a lifelong commitment I had made. This proved hard to do.
When I read "The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, specifically the passage below, I had an AHA! moment.
"I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy."
That passage hit the heart of what I had been struggling with. I remember starting to cry and crying so hard with just the first sentence that I struggled to finish the passage.
My answer to that passage was yes.
I absolutely CAN disspoint another to be true to myself. In fact it isn't just that I can, I had reached a point where I knew I had to. I was not dead but I was dying inside. I had betrayed my own soul for way too long and I needed to reclaim who I was supposed to be.
Compose self, dab eyes, fix make-up, go forward...
Once I grasped the concept of like attracts like, once I made peace with the idea that I was being faithful to myself and had not become disloyal, I began thinking about who I wanted to really be.
I felt like I was suddenly very much in control of more than just my future - I was in control of my NOW. I dubbed myself the creator of my immediate destiny and assigned myself sole responsibility for everything that would happen in my life from that point forward. I also decided that I would not spend a lot of time sitting idle assessing what I wanted my life to look like. I would assess and act simultaneously.
I knew that I only wanted to spend time with people that enhanced me. People that brought out the best of who I was. People that would share my optimism and sense of fun. People who could and would laugh until their cheeks hurt and knew how to fully enjoy all the wonderfulness of a day to day life. I wanted people that could see that having more was not a materialistic thing but instead having more meant having more love and laughter and happiness than they ever imagined possible. I wanted people that were not on a constant mission for bigger or better or best. I would find people that were tickled to have everything they already had and grateful for every opportunity. I wanted people that sought wisdom and would view their wounds as lessons learned along the way.
The update to all of this, is that I was right dammit. Like does attract like and once I started being who I wanted to be I started to attract more people with those same qualities into my circle.
I also found that Oriah was right and that being faithful to myself began to quickly pay off. In being true to myself I found myself. I rediscovered a lost piece of me and have been repaid by that discovery over and over again in recent years.
I used to always say that the best time of my life was when I moved out to the east coast after high school. Now I say that was ONE OF the best times of my life.
The best time of my life is now. Today. Right here. Where I am at this very moment. This is the best.
And I sincerely hope that you can say the same.
7 Comments:
Well said. :) It's all about knowing what you want AND need - because we all know that sometimes what you want isn't what you need.
I am so glad that you can say The best time of my life is now. Today. Right here. Where I am at this very moment. This is the best
I don't know that I can answer yes to that paragraph. I don't know that I need to right now, I just know that if I needed to I don't think I could.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy
I am not sure I see these (or understand them as opposing things. Why can't I have faith and be trustworthy? Why does one have to come at the cost of the other?
Damn I gotta get and read this book.
Keith,
You have such a gift for leaving me thought provoking comments.
I got over all the shame, guilt, and self-loathing heaped upon the first eighteen years of my life by my mother and her religion. I learned to like who I was, and especially who I wanted to be."
I think the process of liking yourself and choosing who you want to be is an on-going process that never ends. Whether you suffer from depression or addiction or none of the above, I think it is true that we all need to work on making on-going, right decisions for ourselves every.single.day.
Related to that, I don't believe we can ever fully master the ability to tune out the negative voices around us, or even the negative voices in our own head. We can lessen them, we can learn to ignore them but they won't ever fully go away.
To be human, to be alive means to have highs and lows from inside and outside influences. The goal is to strive for more highs.
I do not believe I will ever be THERE. I will never arrive at my idea of the perfect destination of myself. I will spend every day of my life striving to find new ways to be a better person. A happier person. A person with MORE.
Thanks Keith!
Amen sista! I've been really 'preaching' this one lately to two (nameless) people in my life.
Being true yourself is not the same as being selfish. I think that's where people get confused.
Ahhh, this is the post you were talking about!
hmmm. deep and powerful stuff lady.
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